One Last Love Letter

Often when radio stations and podcasts do pledge drives, they load up the shows with celebrity interviews. Mainly comedians. Which…ugh.

I totally get that celebs give your show more hype, more visibility, new listeners, etc. But who is making donations? People who’ve never heard of your show, but are big fans of Neil Hamburger?

Personally, I give money to shows and stations I love. The ones I listen to constantly. And I think most people do the same. Because who wants a KCRW coffee mug (me!) or a MaxFun rocket highball glass (me! me!) or a TBTL Frisbee (sorry) flying disc (also me!)?

I just got an email from Bluehost saying that they refuse to continue hosting this website unless I give them more money. And seeing as though I suck at being a blogger, I’ve decided not to give them more money.

Which means this is my last post. And I want to use my last post to enumerate the many things I adore about the erstwhile radio show, and present-day podcast, Too Beautiful to Live.

1. They dedicated an entire show in their fundraising week to nostalgia. Founding show members, iconic segments, classic drops.

Basically they were Counting Crows and they sang Mr. Jones exactly the way it sounds on the album.

This is everything.

P.S. One more thing. Andrew Walsh. He makes things everything-er.

We’ve a lovable space that needs your face

I’ve been thinking about weddings a lot lately. And by lately, I mean since about 2:55 this afternoon.

I guess Bill Carroll has been running around Quebec the past two weeks trying to prove what a devoted, loving husband he is, and how lucky he is to have a hot French wife. Just so you know, she’s hot. You know, in case you didn’t know. That she is. Hot, I mean.

That’s important for us to know because we Bill Carroll show listeners are all dumb stay-at-home moms who relish the idea of bossing around our husbands and compelling them to ‘love’ us. There’s nothing we like more than making sure our husbands know we’re smart and they’re dumb. They’re lucky to have us. And they better never forget it.

So today Bill Carroll recounted what went down at his wedding vow renewal ceremony.

Imagine a woman gives a man a beautiful gift. It’s not a very large gift; it’s about the size of a man’s fist. It’s beautiful. You can tell by the craftsmanship it’s well made, and that it’s very valuable. And you know instantly you’re being given something very important.

You know that. You don’t take it for granted. This is an amazing gift. You take it home and put it up on the shelf. Like most people, you might look at it once in a while and realize how grateful you are to have such a beautiful gift. Some men, after a while, don’t even notice the beautiful gift sitting on the shelf anymore.

Until another man comes along and admires that gift.

Then you remember how beautiful it is and how lucky you are to have it. But in this case, this man took it off the shelf every day and, over time, he realized if you hold it tenderly enough, the gift would open up and inside it was more beautiful, filled with more riches than you can ever imagine. The answer to all your prayers — support and love — was all inside.

Wouldn’t you want to, if you were this man, go back now and thank that person for the gift again? Now that you know the real value of it?

And I looked up, and there’s 150 people, and there are 300 wet eyes. Men and women, they’re all just…

I could have walked away with any woman in that audience right there. I could have had them all.

Um…excuse me? Did you catch that?

I could have walked away with any woman in that audience right there. I could have had them all.

So let me get this straight. Bill Carroll is bragging about how he could’ve banged around with any woman in the audience at his wedding vow renewal ceremony?

That is seriously one of the grossest things I’ve ever heard.

Gross.

P.S. Remember when Ted and Georgette got married on Mary Tyler Moore and Jack Tripper performed the ceremony?

P.P.S. Did you know Bill Carroll has a hot French wife?

 

You think you’d rather do without, you’ll never make it through without the truth

Remember on The Facts of Life when Tootie was president of the Jermaine Jackson Fan Club? And Mrs. Garrett told her she couldn’t go to the Jermaine Jackson concert because she had been slacking off in school and she had also made a commitment to help with Jo’s fundraiser?

Well, in case you forgot, Tootie has this like screaming babyish temper tantrum and Mrs. Garrett agrees to take her to the concert. See, she got her way even though she was acting like a narcissistic diva.

…um…hi, Bill!!

On Monday Bill Handel made the announcement that Todd Wilson was no longer with the show.

And KFI gave us the old “management decided to change Todd’s shift” excuse. I might have believed that.

Except…they also decided to punish Gary Hoffmann by moving him out of the studio he’s worked in for the past five years or whatever, and into the small news booth attached to Bill’s studio. Meaning, Bill can look over and mad dog Gary whenever he gets a little out of line. What with his witty comments and show prep and everything.

It’s been obvious for a while that Bill has given up on his show and has been phoning it in. (Sorry, Bill. Simply saying random words loudly does not equal material.) It still worked though because Gary and Todd were delivering the goods. But now? With Todd gone and Gary banished to the closet? Not so much.

For the record, I’m not buying that “shift change” nonsense.

Here’s the real scoop.

  • Todd and Gary tease Bill.
  • Todd and Gary are funnier than Bill.
  • Bill needs to be the center of attention.
  • Bill has a temper tantrum.
  • Management (Robin) sides with Bill.
  • Robin moves Todd to the Rush Limbaugh/Bill Carroll shift.
  • Robin pushes Gary into that news booth.
  • Bill now acts like a giddy bitch, having won the pissing contest.
  • The show loses whatever sense of humor it previously had.
  • Awkwardness, boringness, lameness ensue.

Enjoy your morning show, studs! Let me know if you need recommendations for something else to listen to.

P.S. Also let me know if you wanna come over and watch The Facts of Life with me! Or Brady Bunch. I’m equally fond of both series.

Everything OK*?

*AP Stylebook says to use OK, not okay or O.K. And, as you know, I strictly adhere to AP style when writing this blog. Except all the times I write LOL, SMH, YOGM, and HBD. Oh, and also all the times I use a serial comma. Cuz serial commas are the straight dope.

Ever since I was a little girl last Thursday, I’ve wanted to do the news on a nationally syndicated talk radio show an Internet radio show.

I’m super excited to tell you that TONIGHT I’ll be joining Marc Germain and Dina Losito on Talk Radio One for a little fill-in news action. I’ll be informing the audience on all kinds of important stuff. Like how Khloe Kardashian is leaving X Factor. I’ll also tell you about a man-shaped pillow sold to ladies so they don’t have to go to bed lonely. And we’ll talk about what happens when you have 140 corgis at a beach party.

Yeah, I’m totally the new Walter Cronkite.

Or, I might be this guy. You be the judge tonight at 7PM PDT on talkradioone.com.

P.S. Today I was listening to the Pretty Good Podcast and I learned this:

“When you fill in for anybody, they hate your guts.” – Randy Wang (2013)

So that’s awesome.

Henry Kissinger, Desmond Tutu, Nelson Mandela, Tim Conway, Jr.

Practically everywhere I went this week people came up to me going, “Did you hear about the blue watch? Can you believe Tim Conway, Jr. stole Doug Steckler’s blue watch? Do you think Tim will buy Steckler a new blue watch? Is Tim jealous of Steckler having nice things like a blue watch?”

Yesterday I was at Target buying my nine cans of Campbell’s tomato soup with commemorative Andy Warhol-inspired labels and this older lady slides up to me and whispers, “Blue watch?” I discretely lifted my left shirt sleeve to reveal my tattoo, which is the words “Team Steckler” wrapped around my wrist where a watch would go.

We nodded to each other knowingly, exchanged Twitter names, and then went our separate ways.

But while I was finishing my Target shopping, stocking up on clearance wine, Gardetto’s pretzel mix, and Purell, I was thinking about Barack Obama.

Why was I thinking about Barack Obama? Because he was a community organizer.

And as I read in Saul Alinsky’s book, Rules for Radicals, community organizers are supposed to be “an abrasive agent to rub raw the resentments of the people of the community; to fan latent hostilities of many of the people to the point of overt expressions.”

Isn’t that exactly what Tim Conway, Jr. is doing by stealing Doug Steckler’s blue watch, a gift bestowed on him by Petros Papadakis?

Hasn’t the community organized itself around the blue watch? Haven’t we seen the masses rise up against the injustice of it all? Do we not meet nightly in secret basements to talk about hope and change and the despicable lack of blue watch civil rights for all Americans, regardless of skin color, religion, or sexual orientation?

I say YES! I say WE’RE GONNA SPREAD HAPPINESS! WE’RE GONNA SPREAD FREEDOM! BLUE WATCH IS GONNA CHANGE IT! BLUE WATCH IS GONNA REARRANGE IT! BLUE WATCH IS GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD!

Customers Appreciate a Bon Viveur

Last year my New Year’s resolution was to learn how to change the frequency on my car radio from AM to FM. This year my New Year’s resolution is to drink more gin.

So even though it’s already January 10th and I haven’t consumed UH drop of gin yet, I’m excited about 2013. There are going to be gin parties and gin tasting dinners and gin movies and organic gin craft micro-distill gin bathtub gin gin-making clubs.

It’s gonna be sweet! Now all I need is a juniper tree. Shrub. Forest? I’m going with Juniper Forest because that sounds like an awesome place to go hiking. Also, it’s my new band name so don’t steal it.

(Except you can go ahead and steal it if you want because I can’t sing and I don’t play any musical instruments. Except Wii Rock Band guitar. Which, as has been pointed out to me, doesn’t count as a musical instrument. I’m not sure why.)

But when I’m not busy with my Gin Meetups group, I’ll need something else to do. So I thought – What can I do that doesn’t involve gin but does involve me not going anywhere or doing anything? And then I thought – I know! Listen to podcasts!

But then I remembered I already do that. So I thought – I know! Listen to MORE podcasts!

This is me, listening to more podcasts.

This is my iPhone, playing more podcasts.

P.S. Those are sleep headphones. They’re super cool and they make you look super hot.

Wait Wait…Don’t Yell At Me!

Hi. I suck.

I suck at blogging because I haven’t posted anything in like 187 days.

I suck at being sedated because I am MORE POWERFUL than Demerol.

I suck at planning because I bought tickets to see Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me! at Nokia Live this Thursday at 8:00. And I also signed up for a contest to win seats for the Candlelight Processional at Disneyland on like every single day this month, without regard for the fact that I may have prior commitments.

As it turns out, I did win tickets for the Candlelight Processional. Guess when – this Thursday at 5:30. Soooo…I can’t go to Wait Wait.

But YOU can!!!! Tweet me, email me, gchat me, Facebook me, text me, call me if you want my tickets – free! Good seats! Contact details over there >>>.

Do it fast because I need to get these tickets to you somehow and if you live far away, I’ll have to mail them. In the mail. That’s like how they used to send texts in the old days.

Pork Chops and Applesauce

Sometimes I go to sophisticated dinner parties. You know, the kind with wine and garden-fresh heirloom tomatoes and playlists called “Jazz for the Masses” or “Dinner on the Roof” or “The Fork Goes on the Left.”

True, sometimes the wine is from the Target clearance rack and the heirloom tomatoes are like just regular tomatoes from Trader Joe’s. But that’s cool. Wine and tomatoes don’t make or break a dinner party.

Obviously, the most important thing at a party is the cake. Oh wait, I’m mean, the most important thing at a party is the conversation.

Sometimes I feel like the only interesting information I contribute to a conversation is stuff I’ve read on Twitter. And then I feel like a loser cuz people are always going, “Twitter is sooooo stupid. Who cares that Kourtney Kardashian had a Mango-a-go-go smoothie for lunch? Anyone who uses Twitter is a complete waste of human life. They should all move to Stupid Island and never speak to me again.”

And then I feel sad because I think there’s some good stuff on Twitter. Also, I don’t want to move to Stupid Island because the sunlight is too harsh for my fair skin and they don’t have 30-pin iPhone adapters there.

Speaking of islands, you know how people are constantly like, “What five books would you bring if you were stranded on a desert island?” And you’re all, “The BibleWar and PeaceCatcher in the RyePride and Prejudice and Fifty Shades of Grey.

If someone asked me that question, I’d go, “Um…books? No idea. How about, ‘What five Twitter accounts would you bring?’” And then I’d be like, “Tween Hobo, Tween Hobo, Tween Hobo, The Bloggess and Tween Hobo.”

What? I like Tween Hobo. She’s basically the best. She’s the BFF I would have had when I was 12 if I had been cool, and not a dork. I was like Tween Dance Team Dork Who Has Dumb Hair and is on the Yearbook Committee and Has a Crush on Her History Teacher. (Do you think that Twitter name is taken?)

P.S. You can follow me on Twitter, too. You know, if you want to. But don’t feel like you have to. And please know that last week I tweeted about Pippi Longstocking and it didn’t go over well. Apparently, it’s difficult to pull off a Pippi Longstocking reference in 2012.

P.P.S. If you’d like to learn more about Tween Hobo, check out this episode of the Rushfield Babylon podcast.