Natren’s Healthy Trinity

Or, my grandma’s radio is stuck on 570.

Let’s talk about the rumor that Frosty, Heidi and Frank will be the new midday show on KABC.

Umm… Yeah, I don’t see it.

I’m not sure what the average age of a KABC listener is but, with Mr. KABC, Al Rantel, Kevin James and Brian Whitman gone, it’s gotta be pushing 80. Right?

I know they brought Peter Tilden back to court the youngsters. (KABC, just because he wears dark sunglasses doesn’t necessarily make him a hepcat.) I guess by “young” they mean ever so slightly younger. Like 72.

Do 72-year olds enjoy fat, sweaty, pasty, blobby guys who play Five Foot Two, Eyes of Blue, Could She, Could She, Could She Coo on the keyboard? Hey… I think they do.

Welcome to KABC FHF!

I heart Drew Carey

Or, the place where they hide the books.

Or, libarries. (Just kidding, I hate when people say that.)

Over the years I’ve heard a lot of anti-library comments made by radio talk show hosts. I think it’s their egos – they want to be the sole source of all information. Or maybe it’s their intellectual insecurities. Whatever.

John Kobylt, Adam Carolla, Randy Wang, and even my beloved Mr. KABC have recently raked libraries over the mud (like that, Dina?).

One argument against libraries is the creepy factor. Low-end lascivious losers looking at adult content on the Internet whilst little children are wandering about. Valid point.

Have I been ever been molested at the library? Of course. Who hasn’t?

Look, I’m not suggesting you hang out there all day. By all means, get in and get out. But the benefits of libraries vastly outweigh the trauma.

Money - You don’t buy the DVD of every TV show you want to see, right? You check it out on Hulu or Netflix first. If you love it, you’ll buy it. It’s the same thing with books. If I had to pay for every book my family reads, we would be at over $100/month.

Clutter - If you’ve seen Hoarders you know what happens when you collect too many McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. You end up needing serious psychological help. There’s just no need to collect a million books that you only read once.

Environment - Why waste the paper?

Freedom of knowledge – In the history of the world, it wasn’t all that long ago that the average person did not read. It was illegal to teach girls to read. Reading was for priests and the very wealthy. Let’s be grateful that in 2009 in the United States everyone is allowed to read and, no matter how poor you are, you can reap the benefits of the world’s greatest authors, businessmen, historians and scientists.

So get a library card. And read a book. How about this one?

I have to go listen to KFI now. I think my heart is starting to bleed a little.

Caillou has oddly colored shoes

OK, here’s the deal. I only listen to talk radio. I mean, I ONLY listen to talk radio. I haven’t listened to music radio since I was a young teenager. When I bought a new car with a six-disc CD changer, my brother seriously asked me, “Do you even have six CDs?” (No.) I have a mixed CD with five songs on it – and two of them are the same song.

(So, Brian, it’s not because I don’t love you that I never leave any song requests on your Facebook page, I just don’t know any songs. Can I request old radio talk show themes? I’d love to hear the old KFI Bill Press song.)

So get this – Adam Carolla had a musical guest today. And I’ve heard of him!

But for a totally geeky reason.

In the summer of 1987 I went to Disneyland nearly every single night to watch this band, Polo, perform at the Tomorrowland Terrace. The drummer of the band was a 15-year old Josh Freese. (Coincidentally, he also lived across the street from me.)

Ignore that mullet-sporting guy and look at Josh playing the drums. (And check out the Skyway in the background.) I think they’re playing Little Red Corvette.

josh

And just for fun, here’s a picture of me with another member of the band. I think his name was Kevin. Love those 80s, maan.

jen

Don’t drive past a radio station with fillings in your teeth

Or, I heart ooTunes.

I’ve been doing some KFI bashing lately. (They totally deserve it.) Here’s a compliment though. That 50,000 watt omni-directional signal is great. All my radios pick it up without static, no Spanish stations bleed in, I can listen in every room of my house, in my car, etc. It’s awesome.

Unfortunately I can’t say the same for KFWB and KTLK. I have to very precisely align my radio with the ionosphere and hope for good cosmic energy in order to pick those stations up down here in the OC.

This is not acceptable. Or, asseptable, as Nanny Jo would say. (That’s for you, Gina.)

I want to listen to Brian Whitman filling in for those big libs over on KTLK.

I want to listen to Dave Ramsey on KFWB.

I want to listen to Dr. Laura, just to spite Bill Handel and his dopey new show.

And while we’re at it, I also would like to listen to Talk Radio One live on my iPod Touch.

Now I can. I purchased the ooTunes app today for only $3.99 and I love it. Not only are KTLK, KFWB and Talk Radio One available on ooTunes, there are tons of other stations – music and talk – available as well.

So if you have an iPhone or iPod Touch, buy this app. And do Mr. KABC a favor and click through from his site. He deserves it. He is a beloved Southern California radio icon after all.

I am SO good at The Secret

So first I wrote about Dave Ramsey not being on in Los Angeles. A couple days later he was added to the KFWB lineup.

Then I wrote that KFI was shortchanging us with only two hours of Tim Conway, Jr. a week. And now he has two big weekend time slots! Saturday and Sunday 4-7pm. Look at that stud!

I might as well send out my other radio requests to the universe…

Mr. KABC returns to KABC.

Frosty, Heidi and Frank return to the airwaves.

Adam Carolla monetizes his podcast and stops compressing the hell out of it.

Melinda Lee’s Thanksgiving show starts at 5am not 10am. (OK, it’s a small request. I just enjoy the level of crazy that gets people worked up about turkeys at 5am.)

Brian Whitman is completely healthy and has a full-time job on Air America.

Gina Grad gets health insurance. And AAA. And cats. And earrings. And moves out of Echo Park.

Randy Wang becomes the king of all podfathers, makes tons of money, and Tom Leykis begs him for a job. But by that time, Randy has decided ignorance is not bliss and thinks Leykis is too washed up for his prestigious podcasting company and tells him to stick to writing blogs on MySpace.

It’s not the name of the store, it’s where it is

Or, I see debt people.

The good news…

Hey all you broke studs – Dave Ramsey is on KFWB! Monday-Friday 9pm-midnight. (Do you think I had something to do with it?)

The bad completely expected, but nevertheless sucky news…

The Another Bill Handel show is precisely what I thought it would be.  L.A.M.E.  Bill likes to think it is a “new” show, something innovative and interesting. It’s just warmed over nonsense and health care tirades – no different than the morning show.

KFI AM 640 – More Homogeneous Talk Radio

Today’s the big day! Are you excited?

Today is the day KFI tells us, the listeners, what we like. You know, how we love more and more of the same. How we don’t like new shows. Or new hosts. We don’t say, “Why did Lara Hermanson get fired?” or “What happened to the Dr. Laura show?” or “I miss Tim and Neil” or “What really happened between John Kobylt and John Ziegler?”

No way!

Instead we say (come on everybody, chant along)…

We like Bill Handel!

We like John and Ken!

Give us more!

Starting this week, KFI is giving us what we always wanted.

Coast to Coast…51 hours a week.

Bill Handel…35 hours a week.

John and Ken…28 hours a week.

Tim Conway, Jr…2 hours a week. (He’s new and interesting. We aren’t allowed to like him too much yet. KFI says we can only like him two hours a week. Unless someone goes on vacation. Then we’re allowed to like him a little more.)

Wait, I’m confused. Is this their attempt at socialized talk radio programming?

I thought KFI said we didn’t like socialism.

Wish you were here

Don and I are having a great time on vacation, but you know us, we can’t stay away from radio/podcasts for long.

Heidi broke the record for the dumbest thing said on a podcast. This is not a joke.

Frosty: They found this civilization in Indonesia where they don’t write anything down. There’s no written language there.

Heidi: Not even grocery lists?