Once upon a midnight dreary

Tonight at 7:00pm KFI is preempting Wayne Resnick’s show to bring us Theatre of Doom. Chris Corley, a.k.a. the Big Voice Guy, will be reading selections from some of the world’s scariest pieces of literature. No, not My Life, real scary stuff. Like this.

Just kidding.

Corley will read from The Raven, The Tell-Tale Heart, and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. OK, a little on the nose but they are classics for a reason.

So sorry kids, no trick-or-treating for you. We’re staying home to listen to talk radio!!

Only this, and nothing more.

P.S. Hey, I have a great idea! Let’s replace that 12-2pm snooze-fest with Chris Corley reading other classic pieces of literature. Like Moby Dick and The Old Curiosity Shop and To Kill a Mockingbird and Flowers in the Attic.

Great – here we go again

One of the benefits of the Podcast Revolution is that, on the whole, hosts are being more honest. There’s no Jack Silver or David G. Hall or Robin Bertolucci to worry about. There’s no need to pretend.

If you’re sick, you just post a message on your Facebook saying you’re sick and there’s no show today. If you spent $60,000 at rehab, you just say it. If you want people to send you earrings, all you have to do is ask.

But there are a couple old-timers who are not adapting to this new methodology so readily.

The first is Frosty. This is old news but, way back in the early days of FHFU, Frosty missed several weeks and made up some excuse about a horse. (For the record, I called him out on that lame story.) He recently admitted to lying. But of course, there was no need to lie. Who was he calling in sick to? The audience? He could have just said he needed a couple weeks off to decompress or go to IHOP or buy new sheets at Bed, Bath and Beyond – whatevs. We love him, we would have understood.

Now we have another unnecessary “radio” move being perpetrated by my Mr. KABC and Rob Markino. In case you haven’t heard, Rob flamed out. Last we heard from him, he was doing Marc a favor and going to Las Vegas to do some business on his behalf. This was a couple weeks ago and he’s been gone ever since.

Last night Rob was unceremoniously replaced by Dan Avey. No mention of why, just here’s Dan Avey with the news.

Hey, Rob – what’s your news? Missing you already. :(

Uh oh…now Bill Handel is the brand new Mr. Pitt

It’s bad enough that Bill spent a good portion of the 5:00 hour looking for undershirts, but now he’s assigning Hanna Scott the task of shopping for the undershirts?!

Quality show.

Sorry Laney, no Atlantic City for you.

A truth universally acknowledged

I once read an article which stated that any grown woman who harbors a secret crush on Pride and Prejudice‘s Mr. Darcy is immature. She believes Mr. Darcy is the guy you love when you’re 13, not 30.

I don’t remember who wrote this article, but I’ve been mad at her ever since. How dare she! Has she even read P&P?

Today two talk show hosts spent some time discussing MDAS (Mr. Darcy Attraction Syndrome). One, a 62-year old woman who, despite your personal opinion of her, I don’t think can be described as immature. The other, my new BFF Jen Andrews!

I only learned about Jen Andrews and TBTL (Too Beautiful to Live with Luke Burbank) a couple weeks ago and I already love her for so many reasons. Here are just a few…

* Her quote on the show’s website is from one of my favorite movies – Notting Hill – by one of my favorite actresses – Emma Chambers.

* She took her passport with her on an extended trip in case there’s a revolution and she has to flee to Canada.

* She’s into hyper-analyzing the most romantic men in literature.

In a talk radio world dominated by Balloon Boy, health care and swine flu, it’s nice to know that at least some of them are still talking about the important stuff.

Maturely.

A very Mer-Der day

Or, I heart Peter Walsh.

So while I’m listening to all these radio shows and podcasts, sometimes a host says something funny. Or maybe it’s not that funny, but the odd phrasing makes me laugh.

When this happens I frequently jot the amusing quip on a Post-it and stick it on my desk, with the intention of using it as a blog post title or something. I don’t know, just chalk it up to me being a loser.

Anywhoozles bagoozles (Gina-I’m not sure how to spell this), I cleaned my desk. Like a talk radio archaeologist, I exposed many layers of Post-it sediment. Here are some of the gems I uncovered.

People who talk about their breaks all day are losers.

Now you look like Count Chocula.

Crushed glass and scorpions.

The Times of Toluca Lake.

Don’t pretend you like Jimmy Carter when you don’t.

On the corner of Olympic and Who Cares.

I love a mug with a handle.

Ladies with interesting dresses. Or fancy, dressed-up nice ladies.

I need a life. (This is from me.)

The Pool Guy

This has been a weird week in talk radio.

First, Adam Carolla filled in for Bill Handel. I thought he did a great job. While they stuck to the traditional format, Adam was funny, got in a few rants, but didn’t derail the show. I liked it. By the way, the morning crew is not famous for being welcoming to newcomers. They were generally nice enough to Adam, but the passive aggression really kicked into high gear when no one told Adam he was saying the station ID incorrectly EVERY time. “KFI AM 640 more stimulating talk.”

As I’m writing this entry, I’m listening to Tim Conway, Jr. fill in for Bill Handel. He didn’t make the “good morning” rounds, so I’m sure that morning crew is not too pleased. But I’m enjoying it.

Last night Gina Grad was on Marc Germain’s show, filling in for Rob Marinko with that news, maaan. I can’t wait to listen to the podcast later. But I’m a little confused with the show description…

Gina Grad from ThePrettyGoodPodcast.com sat in for Marinko’s news and  she was pretty good – pretty good for Marc and Dina, anyway.  And just like a precious snowflake, she disappeared. Not sure what happened but we’re sure to have her back if she ever reappears.

What happened, Gina?

I have to go. My worlds are colliding…

KFI AM 640 – More Carolla/Conway Talk Radio

Or, I am an A student in the graduate-level class, KFI Gets a New Show 501.

When starting a new show, KFI works in baby steps. First, they let you fill in on weekends. Next, you get a short weekend show. Next, they let you fill in on a few weekdays in the 3pm-ish to 10pm-ish time slots. Next, you get a longer weekend show.

Then you usually get your own nighttime weekday show, where you linger for a few years before you piss off John Kobylt and get sent to a bunker. Or maybe you just flame out.

KFI is doing something a little different now, but I think I can see where this is going.

Tomorrow Adam Carolla is filling in for Bill Handel. And Tim Conway, Jr. is filling in on Friday.

I’ve been calling the demise of the Kennedy and Suits show ever since Tim set foot in a KFI studio. With Kennedy gone, we’re halfway there. I don’t think it will be too long before we see an Adam Carolla/Tim Conway, Jr. show M-F 7pm-10pm.

I’m just saying…

Look at those FM studs taking over that Amplitude Modulation, maaan!

Quote:

Adam Carolla
The funnyguy sits in with Handel Tuesday, then does the Morning Show himself Thursday!

There are a few unbelievable things about this. Number one, that a station as significant as KFI thinks that “funnyguy” is one word. Two, that King Bill VIII would actually allow someone funnier and more interesting than himself to share the limelight. And three, that old Copper Nose would let that person host the show in his absence.

Remember when Frosty showed up for work every day, despite the rheumatic fever, bottles of Nyquil, and Jack Daniels? I’ve never worked in radio but I’m pretty sure it’s common knowledge that you should never have a fill-in host if you can avoid it.

King Bill has two standard fill-ins.

Wayne Resnick – Fantastic host and way better than Bill, but he has a day job and is not interested in a full-time radio career. He is, therefore, not a threat to the Handel dynasty.

Gary Hoffman – Already in his majesty’s service. Easy to control.

Bringing in someone like Adam is a surprising move, but I can’t wait to see who wins the narcissism contest!

Bill Handel is the brand new Henry VIII

If you thought comparing Dr. Laura to Professor Trelawney was crazy, wait until you read this…

Or, everything I know about King Henry VIII I learned from The Tudors.

Just kidding, I only saw the first season of The Tudors and it wasn’t too heavy on facts. However, it did do one thing well – encapsulate the enormous ego of Henry VIII in Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Henry VIII was famous for his dynamic personality. Even as a child people were drawn to him. He was affable and beautiful and sociable. He made people feel special in his presence. He had a sparkle. Today we would call him Bill Clintony.

Of course we know he also had a dark side. A side (controlled by that major ego) that allowed him to believe himself equal to God and, oh nothing, have a couple of his wives killed – Anne Boleyn and Katherine Howard.

You have to admire Anne Boleyn. Sure, she stole a good woman’s man, but for eleven years she walked the extremely fine line of holding the kings interest – stroking his ego, giving just enough but not too much, keeping him engaged, and bending his will to match her own.

If we can accept the theory that Bill Handel’s ego is as big as Henry VIII’s (obviously), Michelle Kube is way better than Anne. She’s like Anne without the ambition. She knows how to strike the balance between control and subservience.

Lara Hermanson? She’s Katherine Howard. Young, dynamic, attractive but too independent. After awhile she didn’t curtsy when Bill came in the room. She was off having a romp with other dudes, metaphorically speaking. And the result was not pretty.

So, sorry, Hanna. You are a mistress. Intriguing His Grace at first, but one slip of the tongue and you’re out of favor. If you want to return to the king’s good graces, study Michelle, the one for whom no equal archetype exists.

Thus concludes lesson one in my course - Tudor Society and Modern Radio. Stay tuned for lesson two - Queen Elizabeth I vs. Dina Losito: Who would win in a fight?