In the bleak midwinter

OK, who’s bored yet? I am. I have…let’s see…NO new podcasts on my iPod. Thank goodness for all the high quality literature I’m reading on my new Kindle. (Shhh…please don’t tell my NerdPR friends I’m reading this crap.)

But I have managed to scrounge up some other holiday recommendations for you guys.

Pretty Good Podcast Christmas Special

What a special treat – gift exchange, holiday songs, Aunt Edna – it doesn’t get better than this. Good job, Randy and Gina!!

Marc Germain back live this week

BTW, remember when Tootie suddenly decided she wanted people to call her by her real name – Dorothy? It didn’t work. Because it’s just weird. That’s how I feel calling Mr. KABC Marc. Just weird.

Anyway, Mr. K, Dan Avey, Dina Losito, even Rob Marinko and Sharon the Gossip Mom, are all back live tonight on Talk Radio One.

KFI fill-in hosts

Gary Hoffman in for Bill Handel in the morning, Wayne Resnick in for Bill Handel in the afternoon, and Tim Conway, Jr. (the sexiest man in talk radio) in for John and Ken. Awesome.

(Do you think we can we get someone to fill in for Bryan Suits?)

Doug McIntyre in for Joe Scarborough

Monday – Wednesday this week 10pm-midnight on KABC. (I think I like these fill-in hosts way better than the originals.)

This American Life – A Very Special Sedaris Christmas

A rerun but enjoyable nonetheless. Some classic David Sedaris Christmas tales, a holiday letter read by Julia Sweeney, and why A Christmas Carol sucks.

Only a wookie would kiss a droid for Christmas

Without preamble and in my very best Ira Glass voice…

Hey there, podcast listeners.

By now you know that Frosty quit the FHFU podcast. To clear things up for those of you who are behind, he only quit the uncensored podcast, not the KABC radio show.

Supposedly he didn’t think he fit in on the podcast because of the heavy adult content. Content that he didn’t really understand or relate to. I can totally understand that. However, it does suck that he couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye ON the podcast. Instead, he left it to Frank and Heidi to explain.

This is a very old-school radio bull move, stemming from a long history of radio personalities being fired either immediately after the end of a shift or just before the beginning of a new one. But for someone who doesn’t understand the benefits of TiVo, cellphones, or salad, I guess I can’t expect anything different.

Episode #120 – the first HFU show – is revealing in many ways. It’s a must listen. (I’m not going to tell you how much I HATE the idea of Heidi having her own podcast with her “girls” or Frank having a drug podcast.)

And now this.

The 12/23/09 KABC show was a radical let-down as well. There was no gift exchange this year. Heidi brought presents but Frank and Frosty didn’t and the change in programming wasn’t even acknowledged. (Heidi and Frank talked about it on HFU and Frank opened a few gifts, but it was totally not the same.)

Remember the story Heidi tells about going home for Christmas and that her mom didn’t put up any decorations? She was super disappointed and not at all in the Christmas spirit.

Yeah, that’s how I feel without an FHF gift exchange.

Some words to the close and holy darkness

When I was 16 I hadn’t started listening to talk radio yet. I don’t really remember what I did listen to – maybe KROQ? Wait, what station was Shadoe Stevens on? I think I listened to that.

Anyway, at this time I worked at Disneyland. I frequently worked until midnight on Saturday nights and it would be close to 1am when I got home. (I had to change out of my super sexy bright yellow pants and polo shirt before I could leave – you wouldn’t want anyone taking those beauties home.)

Like any teenage girl with no cable TV in her bedroom, I would watch the rest of Saturday Night Live. After SNL in those days the Dr. David Viscott show came on, which was essentially a psychiatric call-in radio show on TV.

So here it is the middle of the night and people are revealing their deepest secrets to this guy. It was fascinating. The set lighting was low, and it was quiet. And I don’t know how to describe it, but Dr. Viscott’s voice was not exactly soothing, but healing in some way. Soon after these mid-night sessions, I was listening to talk radio full time.

So what I’m trying to say is that I think Dr. Viscott hypnotized me.

Tales from the cubicle…

Today I get back to my desk after lunch and my purse is making noise. I know my cell phone is on vibrate, my iPod never turns on by itself – yet I still hear someone talking.

Yeah.

So my cell phone is playing Ernie Anderson’s infamous – “Jesus Chriiist” – on a loop.

Jesus Christ.

A sprig of holly in the underwear

Or, meat and sixteen veg.

Obviously Christmas is a slow time in talk radio. Everyone is on vacation, which leaves either low-end fill-in hosts or re-runs. It’s also a slow news time, so there really isn’t anything interesting to talk about anyway.

And you have to listen to KFI’s end of year news tagline – A year in your ear – about a million times. What does that even mean?

So here’s a list of things to listen to when you’ve had enough “family time” and you just want to put in those earbuds, throw on that Snuggie, and escape for a few hours.

1. 2007 Conway and Whitman (fake) Christmas party

By far my number one recommendation.

Hopefully you’re lucky enough to still have this in your iTunes library. (And if not, maybe your brother will volunteer to put it on a flash drive for you. Thanks, Brian!)

2. Frosty, Heidi, and Frank gift exchange CANCELLED

Always a good show. FYI, their last day on the air this year is December 23.

3. A Bill Handel Christmas Carol

Nothing says Christmas like an egomaniacal talk show host inserting himself into a radically played out bit of holiday literature. But if you’re into that sort of thing, listen to the Bill Handel show on Christmas morning.

4. The annual opening of the John and Ken fruit cake

Every year, like clockwork, Ken gives John a fruit cake. And every year John tells us how much his in-laws enjoy it.

Hmmm…this one is not too exciting. I really hope you still have that Conway and Whitman Christmas party.

Frank Army!!!

From west of the Rockies

Tonight I’m going to give you a picture of my life. It is neither normal nor cool in any way.

Fair warning.

It started with Christmas cookies. Like any other family, we spent the evening slathering too-drippy icing and pouring multi-colored sprinkles on about 12 dozen cookies.

Pretty ordinary so far.

But were we listening to classic Christmas music? Joy to the World perhaps? No.

How about something more low-end, like Monster Ballads Christmas? Uh, no.

Maybe we were blasting away at each other like we’re on some reality show? Still no.

We were singing…wait for it…the Coast to Coast song. If you’re up at 5:55am every Saturday morning like we are, you know the one…

I turned on my radio
In the middle of the night
And I heard things I need to know
Now I can see the light
And I also see a ghost
‘Cause I’m listening to Coast to Coast

This was quickly followed by my 10-year old demanding I take a stand on Einstein’s theory of relativity. He wanted to know if I believe that every atom is interconnected with every other atom, thereby making a seamless whole, or if I believe there is something faster than light.

To quote the most quotable movie ever made, You’ve Got Mail:

“We are…an American family.”

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.

Or, BAM!

Once upon a time, my friend Michelle and I made plans to drive to Las Vegas to eat at Emeril Lagasse’s restaurant. (Don’t laugh – this was when it was cool to like Emeril. And eat steaks cooked on cedar planks.) We made the mistake of talking about our trip at work and, before we knew it, a co-worker had invited herself to come along.

This chick completely dominated the energy of the entire trip. She insisted on paying for our expensive dinner. Then the next day asked us to pay her back. She shared a bed with me and didn’t even have the decency to wear pants. I mean, we barely knew each other – we were work colleagues, not BFFs!

When we got in the car to drive home, Michelle found the most boring, driest, old manniest talk radio station she could. And we listened to it until we lost the signal.

Talk radio as punishment…awesome.

So you guys know I’ve been listening to Dr. Laura at noon instead of Bill Handel. Purely out of spite.

But just because it’s Christmas – and at Christmas you give bad talk radio shows another chance –  I’ve been listening to the Another Bill Handel Show for the past few days.

It makes me wish someone I barely know or like would go on a road trip with me.

Every Monday-Friday, noon-2:00.

The Random Theory

A few quick thoughts for today…

On yesterday’s FHFU Heidi basically confirmed what I (and probably everyone) have known all along. Heidi and The Italian got married in Mexico. Remember when they went horseback riding and Heidi’s horse took off? That time.

There have been a lot of comments/jokes/hypothetical situations made lately about Frank having two kids, about Frank and Farty getting married, about Farty being pregnant, etc. I wonder…

Lots of talk on the Handel show this morning around 5:40 about the ill-fated Tim and Neil Show. (One of my personal favorites. Looove that Neil Saavedra, maaan.) Bill also took some time out to bash Karel and Andrew. Again. If you’re a huge radio bull and you’re into that kind of talk, check it out.

How cute is Luke Burbank putting on that suit and taking his 15-year old daughter to see The Nutcracker last weekend? Awww…

We eat what we can and what we can’t we can

Or, the oldest news that’s fit to print.

OK, these recommendations aren’t exactly breaking news. But what’s a few days or weeks amongst friends? That’s why God  invented podcasts and online news archives. (No no, Al Gore only invented the Internet. I’m pretty sure God is responsible for everything else.)

Rob Marinko – If you have a major Rob Marinko jones, listen to the 11/24/09 episode of the Marc Germain show on Talk Radio One. Rob and Marc were in Las Vegas together (yes, AGAIN) and Rob sat in for a bit.

Frosty Stilwell – If you can’t let Thanksgiving pass without hearing Frosty’s infamous Thanksgiving joke, listen to the 11/30/09 episode of the KABC show. (BTW if you still can’t figure out how to listen to the KABC show online, see this compendium.)

Doug McIntyre – If you’re a little bit in love with Doug McIntyre, newspapers, and/or the English language, read his LA Daily News column.

I think I’ve exhausted my old man radio suggestions for today. I have to go watch Charles Kuralt now.