Stories Pitched by Our Kids

Or…the Coup d’Toe.

Waaaay back in February when it was cold and rainy outside and I was wearing mittens and two hoodies inside (unlike now when it’s warm and sunny and I’m wearing Daisy Dukes, bikini on top), This American Life did a show called – Stories Pitched by Our Parents.

This was the episode that introduced the beautiful and important Erie Canal song to the world. No, not THAT Erie Canal song. A better one. Btw, did you know that the Erie Canal was the eighth wonder of the world when it was built? And that today it is Make-Out City? (I’m so there.)

Anyway…my parents haven’t ever pitched me any blog ideas. Well, one time my dad sent me a facebook message asking me if Ira Fistell was still on the air. But yeah…that’s it. However, my 11-year old has been insisting I write a blog called…

Randy Wang and the Every Other Week Clothes

Him: You HAVE to write about Randy only washing his clothes every other week and Febreezing the rest of the time!!!
Me: He was kidding.
Him: No, he said it!
Me: Seriously. He was kidding.
Him: Well you should still write about it.

So there you go. I wrote about it. :)

Other ideas he has pitched to me…

My Son Is Really Obsessed with Watching Leo Laporte on the Roku

and

Some Kind of Insult About Obama

(Note to self: Maybe a little less John and Ken for that kid.)

A Year in Your Ear

Has KFI started playing that “A Year in Your Ear” thing yet? They always play it the week between Christmas and New Year’s.

I don’t like it. It sounds gross. Like some kind of bug has crawled inside your ear and the bug is some weird species that forces you to listen endlessly to talk radio instead of doing important things like watching You’ve Got Mail and fantasizing about that Kathleen Kelly cabinet you saw at Home Goods yesterday but you’re too busted out to buy it so now you’re hoping it’s still there in two weeks when you get paid again.

(Sorry…I slept too much last night and drank too much coffee this morning…)

Anyway, I was thinking about the 2011 version of I Heart Talk Radio and I think I might try to post something every weekday. Is that good? Or stupid?

So…leave comments or email me if it’s a GOOD idea. (Please don’t if it’s stupid because then I’ll spiral into a radical depression. OK? Thanks.)

I may be turning into Sam Rubin, but at least Adam Carolla will like me

Prologue

You may not know this…actually, I don’t see how you would because I only started doing it today…so unless you’re spying on me…

I became a broadcasting professional today. And by that I mean I spent the afternoon at work speaking into a microphone in a professional capacity. I said fancy words like – study, import, and continue. Try not to be too jealous.

Logue? (Is there a special name for the middle part? Mesologue?)

Kinda sad when all the good talk show hosts are on vacation at the same time. Right? So to stave off the inevitable S.A.A.T.G.T.S.H.A.O.V.A.T.S.T.D., I loaded up my iPod with all kinds classics I haven’t listened to in a long time.

April Winchell on Mr. KABC
(Right now I’m listening to a delightful story about Harold Greene’s privates. AKA “The Dangling Incident”)

Conway and Whitman
(But only years 2006 and 2007. Because that’s all I have. *sniff*)

Ricky Gervais
(Is it OK to listen to these again? I say yes.)

Epilogue

I’ve been listening to a decent amount of Christmas songs lately. Obvs. And I realized there’s a lot of fantastic writing going on with these songs. Like words that are divinely and perfectly combined to evoke every feeling in the human experience. Here are my favorites:

#1
Now to the Lord sing praises
All you within this place
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace
This holy tide of Christmas
All others doth deface

#2
O the rising of the sun
And the running of the deer
The playing of the merry organ
Sweet singing in the choir

#3
His gin-flavored whispers and kisses of sherry
His best crimble shirt slung out over the shop
While the lights from the Christmas tree blow up the telly
His face closes in like an old, cold pork chop

(I totally want to write the rest of the lyrics to that song. It’s the best.)

And so the conversation turned

So now we know that Sarah Palin, Justin Bieber, and the cast of Jersey Shore are the most fascinating people of 2010. Of course, I totally agree. I’m a huge Justin Bieber fan.

Luke Burbank and Jen Andrews from Too Beautiful to Live, however, do not agree. They believe there are dozens of people  more fascinating. Like, for example, someone living in North Korea.

Or…themselves?

I guess they couldn’t reach anyone in North Korea, what with the time difference and everything. Also, I don’t think North Koreans have iTunes. Or Skype. (But I could be wrong about that.)

Anyway, Luke and Jen decided to be extra fascinating by conducting a fascinating interview with each other. And I thought…I should interview some fascinating people on the old blog here.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t reach anyone in North Korea to interview either. (Mad props to Lisa Ling in this department. Maybe I should interview her next year.)

And also, I don’t have a fascinating blog partner to interview. So, unfortunately for you (again), that means I have to interview myself.

I apologize.

When are you happiest?

I am happiest on day one of Fun Camp, when there’s a week of fun and educational adventures waiting for me.

What is your favorite curse word?

Meh. I don’t like to blast away with the major terms. It’s way more funnier to say eff or ess or em effer. It’s even more way more funnier to spell them like that.

What occupation would you like to attempt?

Professional blogger.

Favorite quality in a man?

These are hard questions! Um…caretaking?

Favorite quality in a woman?

Independence.

What is your biggest source of pride related to I<3TR?

I’m crying now. Damn you, Barbara Walters! My biggest source of pride is that you guys read what I write and send me nice emails and leave thoughtful comments. And ask me out on dates.

Is this the most self-obsessed blog post you’ve ever written?

Indeed, it is. (Please don’t hate me.)

I’ve always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you so

Picture it – Orange County 1979. I’m in first grade. I’m probably wearing some dress my mom made. Like this one.

I’m doing cartwheels and handstands on the playground with my fancy big-girl friends. And it goes like this:

Her: You don’t still watch Mister Rogers, do you?
Me: Well, no, not really. Only when they’re doing an opera.

#1  I totally still watched Mister Rogers.

#2  Somehow I knew that was un-cool.

#3  I thought there was some type of Opera Exemption Policy?!?!? And that operas made it MORE cool? Not waaaaaaaaay less?!?!!?!?

Well guess what – before PBS got all lame and stopped running it every day, I still watched it. Opera or no opera. Because Mister Rogers is awesome for a million reasons.

For example, did you know that Johnny Costa played the iconic opening and closing themes for Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood live? Every single day. Isn’t that wonderful and special?

I was thinking today about how talk radio is wonderful and special. And that one of the reasons is simply because it’s live. When you’re listening to talk radio and there’s a balls-up or a bomb house burning, it’s like you’re experiencing the event as a community. You, Steve Gregory, and every single other person in Southern California.

(What do you mean not everyone listens to KFI? I don’t believe you.)

P.S. These Mister Rogers books were in three different places in my house. I gathered them in less than 30 seconds. What do you think that says about me?

A lover of Mirabelle

ATTENTION: This post is rated R. If you are a child, particularly if you are my child, you may not read this post. If you are related to me in any way, you might want to skip this one. Hey, why don’t you go listen to Aron Bender on the Pretty Good Podcast instead?

*********************************************************************

OK, you guys. Sorry to leave you in a place devoid of talk radio news, opinion, and analysis. It’s a scary place to be. I understand. I ardently hope you have found something else to fill the emptiness in your hearts.

But good news! I have been working on some majorly important research.

So…the biggest issue in talk radio last week was the Steve Martin 92nd St. Y controversy. (Wikileaks? I don’t know what you mean. Never heard of it.)

But get this – the Y embroilment was NOT the most significant Steve Martin-related story of the week. Having read Steve Martin’s most famous book, Shopgirl, as well as his new book, An Object of Beauty, I have concluded this.

Steve Martin does not understand female sexuality.

This is an unfortunate discovery. Because he’s, you know, super hot and nerdy. And he should be better than the average clueless guy. Turns out, he’s not. That sucks.

Look, I’m not happy about doing this. Trust me – it’s hurting me a lot more than it’s hurting you. But here we go with the supporting evidence…

EXHIBIT A
“Lisa sits on the toilet as she shaves, one leg propped up on the bathroom cabinet. She can dip the razor in the toilet when she needs to wet it while she shapes and combs the furry patch to perfection.” Shopgirl, pg. 101

#1 Gross.
#2 Um…GROSS.
#3 Shaving with cold toilet water? And no soap? Shaving cream? Coconut oil? Something soothing? Totally not going to work.

EXHIBIT B
“Lacey’s back rested on the windowsill, one arm stiffened against the opposite side to hold her firm against his hand while the other hand pulled and pushed on him until the end came for both of them.” An Object of Beauty, pg. 80.

#1 Ouch.
#2 You can’t maintain that position for very long. It’s just not going to work.
#3 This scene takes place in a hotel room. At some point aren’t you going to want to make better use of the space and circumstance? The answer is yes. Yes, you are.

EXHIBIT C
“They talked for one hour, ending with phone sex that was as frustrating as it was fulfilling. Lacey’s palm gripped the front of her chair as she rubbed against her wrist, her other elbow on the desk with the phone held under her hair.” An Object of Beauty, pg. 169.

#1 Wrist??? I don’t think so.
#2 Unnecessarily complicated position for the task at hand. (Pun not really intended but left in because some people enjoy puns.)
#3 Why do guys always think up these weird scenarios?

Alright…there you go. Steve Martin may be the best Tweeter ever, the best author, the best banjo player, the best writer of my favorite movie, the best Disneyland Magic Shop worker, and the best fake arrow in the head wearer, but not so much with the women and sex. Too bad.