If you call and I’m not home, I’ll be at the gym or the gun club.

Hello, Jack? I’m Annette.

Some of you have wondered why I’ve been so generous and complimentary lately. You’re like – What’s going on with you? You seem so happy. Did you get a new kitten? Are you pregnant? Are you in love? And I’m all – No…I don’t think so…and no.

So lest you think I’ve become too soft, here’s a list of people who are doing it wrong.

Heidi and Frank – They open the show with various songs that have two things in common. They’re super long and they’re super annoying. Actually, the entire show is filled with terrible music.

Pretty Good Podcast – Sorry, Randy. I’m totally glad you have a girlfriend. Will you please just call her your girlfriend? Or at least make up a new, normal name for her? Something like Rachel or Emily or Brooke? I mean, I get the Apollonia significance, but c’mon. Unless you’re actually Prince, you can’t call your girl Apollonia.

KFI – Alright, we’ve had our Frosty trial. Enough. He’s not getting better. He’s getting worse.

Why Wayne Resnick Matters

by Jennifer Saunders

Before I tell you why Wayne Resnick matters, allow me to please apologize to Mr. Resnick, as I’m sure he’s grown weary of my ebullient and effusive outpouring of compliments. He really should tell me to shut up please. (But now I have to beg him to not actually do that because it will hurt my feelings. Please.) Just know that I know that you know that I know that you know. We know. We’re smart.

Phew. Now that that’s out of the way…

Wayne Resnick matters because he discusses Libyan rebels just as easily as he discusses Rebecca Black.

Wayne Resnick matters because he works in Søren Kierkegaard references during said Rebecca Black discussions.

Wayne Resnick matters because he forces you to, not only use Scandinavian letters in your blog post, but to spell Scandinavian correctly. Also, he forces you to Google the phrase, ‘o with a slash in it’ to 1) find out what that’s called 2) find out the keyboard shortcut for typing ø on a Mac.

FYI…it’s called an ø (who woulda figured?). Also, FYI…it’s option+o. Again, FYI…I’m really enjoying myself typing øøøøøøø over and over. Try it. See…isn’t it fun? I’m gønna start typing English øs like this just tø be alternative.

Peace øut.

We we we so excited.

I’m a mom. And sometimes as a mom you feel motherly to kids who aren’t really your kids. Like I couldn’t have been more proud of Neville in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

And sometimes you just want to give hugs and homemade cookies and coloring books and new boxes of crayons to kids like Sally Draper. (Season 4 Sally Draper. Not seasons 1-3 Sally Draper. She was a brat.)

So, yeah, I kinda want to give Rebecca Black a new box of crayons. But maybe she’s too old for crayons. How about this?

I’ll make the Friday song even WORSE, so people will laugh at me instead of her. And what could make it worse faster than inserting indiscriminate talk radio references? Right. I’m a great mom.

Five AM, waking up in the morning
Gotta Re-Todd, gotta Gary Hoffmann
Gotta have i heart, gotta have radio
Hearin’ everything, the show is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s laughin’
Gotta download to my iPod
Gotta go to work, I hear Carolla

Listenin’ to Luke Burbank
Lovin’ the News Bender
Gotta Pretty Good Podcast
Which show can I hear?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get Steck on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ talk on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ for Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me

KFI, KFI (Yeah)
TRO, TRO (Yeah)
Bill, Marc, Rob, Tim
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Here’s the instrumental version so you can sing along. I know you want to. :)

Little Lambs of Amazingness

Wait! Don’t stop reading just cuz this is a repost. This part right here is BRAND NEW!

Tonight my absolutely favorite sports person (well, besides Bob Boone) Petros Papadakis sang the LONG Timmy Time theme live on the Tim Conway, Jr. show.

A-mazing.


It is with no hyperbole that I tell you it was one of those talk radio moments that I’ll always remember. Timmy Time is SO important, you guys.

From January 25, 2011…

Here’s a scene from my Pre-Timmy Time life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. Hm. Tim’s coming on soon. Let me just finish this episode of House Hunters/wash these dishes/organize my earrings/look up the lyrics to the Raveonettes’ You Want the Candy online and I’ll catch TCJ in a bit.

Here’s a scene from my Timmy Time (long edition) life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. (To everyone who happens to be in my house or car…) TIMMY TIME – FOUR MINUTES!!!!! Turn on KFI/turn up volume/tell friends and family to please shut up and get ready to sing.

And then.

Similar to that initial low, bassy, electronic vacuum-sounding buzz that kicks of the Main Street Electrical Parade composition, the opening notes of Timmy Time are evocative and pregnant with verisimilitude.

Everyone becomes instantly enchanted and mesmerized. Then we sing. And dance. And celebrate. And we listen to KFI for three straight hours.

Timmy Time is important. We need it back. It’s a celebration of community and humanity and freedom.

It’s America. In the best way possible.

P.S. If you believe in America, please LIKE - Bring Back the LONG Timmy Time Theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Thanks. You’re a huge stud.

Such a lot of fun

Tim Conway, Jr. listeners have a tendency to be depressed as hell. I don’t know why that is but I suspect it’s because we’re all so extraordinarily intelligent and complex and talented. I mean, some of us (ME!) are actual movie stars!

Anyway…it’s that special combination of brilliance and acuteness that sometimes sends us into a radical depression.

Occasionally, we take the edge off by chasing handfuls of Prozac, Paxil, Lexapro, and Luvox with a $7 bottle of Frost vodka. Attention: This can kill you. Don’t do it.

Other times, we risk being un-followed on Twitter by sending out MULTIPLE John Hodgman-themed tweets. This is a risky move because being un-followed is just about the worst thing that can happen to a wildly depressed person.

Btw, can you do me a favor and follow me on Twitter? That would be awesome. I need to boost my numbers in case I start multi-tweeting Wil Wheaton. And let’s face it, that’s mega likely.

Cheer up, studs!

Hi. I’m working.

It’s Sunday night. And, yes, I’m working. OK, fine. Technically I’m taking a break. You can time me. Ready? Go.

8:25pm

So yeah…I’m working and listening to Wayne Resnick. Just like the old days. I tweeted this earlier, but it bears repeating.

Damn…Wayne Resnick is the smartest and most insightful person I know.

And I think that’s all that needs to be said. Goodnight, studs.

8:29pm

And likewise Captain Farrell

Hey, you hooligans. This is meant to be a present for you. I realize presents are usually something NICE that you would actually WANT.

You guys…understand it’s the thought that counts. I did my best. (OK, maybe not my BEST, but I did stay up late. That counts for something, right?)

Cockles and Mussels

Hi.

In my last post I called newsman Aron Bender ‘sweet and vulnerable.’ That’s totally true. But I forgot a few things. (What?! I’m sorry! I was having trouble adjusting to all this lame sunlight we get during Daylight Saving Time. Pfft. Sun. Who needs it?)

So Bender…(in addition to being sweet and vulnerable) you are a major, major stud.

If I actually knew you and I had like…a jar of Peppadew peppers that I couldn’t open, I would totally ask you to open it for me. This confident am I in your massive masculine strength.

Also, I’m sure you’ve made out in cars with tons of chicks. (Before you were married, OF COURSE.) You know how to work that – I’m sweet and vulnerable, ‘talk nerdy to me,’ but also super effing hot – vibe.

There you go. Makes the News Bender sound way sexier, right?

Wondering where I am lost without you

During times of world crisis, I never watch TV. I don’t read newspapers. I don’t listen to Ryan Seacrest. I don’t sit on my front stoop in my dressing gown and curlers talking indiscriminately to passersby. And I don’t crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. (OK, sometimes I do that. Stop spying on me.)

I listen to KFI.

I listen to KFI because they have BY FAR the best news department in California. They make me feel informed and safe and looked after.

Today, I’m in love with all these studs.

Eric Leonard – I don’t care if you’re elitist and difficult and scary and untouchable. You ARE KFI news. I remember when I was like 24 and you were like 22 and you were the first one to every crime scene and news story. That was super hot.

Steve Gregory – Yes, I called your newscast adorable the other night. I didn’t mean it condescendingly. You’re a totally bad ass news dude with a huge wang bullet-proof vest. But it was kinda cute hearing you try to say ‘KFI News’ without saying KFI NEWS.

Aron Bender – Oh, Bender… I love your tweets. And I love that you don’t try to act tough in front of Tim. So vulnerable and sweet. It’s true…if it weren’t for the show, you two would have never met. Also, you have the cutest glasses of all the news guys.

Gary Hoffmann – Superfluous Ns aside, I love you mostly for busting Handel’s balls. And also because you pretend you’re too good for everyone. You gotta admire that level of pretention. (Also, I’ve met Gary. And…eh…his forehead’s fine.)

Laura Ingle – OK, I know you don’t work at KFI anymore. But I never had the chance to tell you – you’re amazing. Super tough and AWESOME news chick. I still think about your coverage of the Scott Peterson trial and the day you recounted Sharon Rocha’s testimony during the penalty phase. You cried. I cried. We were lucky to have you.

Pfft. More like AWESOME Women’s Day!

So according to Chris (cat lover and ScrumMaster extraordinaire) (oh, and also Google), it’s the 100th International Women’s Day. Never heard of it. Also, according to my coworker, International Women’s Day is communist.

Um…hello? I’m not a communist. I never have been a communist. So why am I celebrating this holiday? (Are you supposed to capitalize Communist? I think so. Go back and re-read, pretending I know stuff.)

I do think it’s a good idea to celebrate women though. Women who are super awesome. And NOT in a ‘look at me and all the adversity and oppression I’ve overcome and I’m at a disadvantage and I’m a minority and I’m better than men’ way. Just bad ass chicks. (Alternate name for my new holiday: Bad Ass Chick Day)

So here’s a list of awesome women.

Jen Andrews
Julie Andrews
Stephanie Miller
Jennifer Miller (Oh wait, that’s me. Best not to put yourself on this kind of list.)
Anne Boleyn
Queen Elizabeth I
The Oriental Laker girl (JK – that’s a line from Throw Momma From the Train)
Desdemona
Ginny Weasley

What? A couple of those women are in fact, not awesome women so much as MAKE BELIEVE women? Um…this is embarrassing…I really don’t know how to tell you this…okay, I’m just gonna do it…real quick like a Band-Aid…yes, I realize I’m stalling…it’s just that I don’t like to be the one to break this news to people…yes, you’re right – you do deserve to know the truth…okay fine, here I go…

Othello and Harry Potter are NON-FICTION. Therefore, the only logical conclusion one can arrive at is that Desdemona and Ginny Weasley are REAL WOMEN. Also, AWESOME. F’reals.