Five Things I Super Wish Were True

One
I super wish Marc Germain and Gloria Allred had a smoking hot fling the summer when Marc was like 19 and Gloria was like 45. Gloria would give him secret sips of her margarita at Casa Vega and then they would drive over to the Best Western on Sepulveda and the 101 where they would make love and listen to Dr. Demento on the clock radio.

Two
I super wish Bill Carroll caught Robin Bertolucci smuggling illegal perfume and nylons and chocolate into the United States from Canada. And that he promised not to turn her in if she gave him a show on KFI. And also twice a year she has to go back to Canada and stock up on fishnet stockings for Bill’s wife. (And, secretly, for Bill too.)

Three
I super wish Doug McIntyre sits there at night talking to these low-end old men and old women from Alabama and thinks to himself – EFF! I’m an effing graduate of effing Stonehill College and an effing award-winning writer! I’m Doug effing McIntyre! Why do I have to sit here in the middle of the night talking to these dopes?!

Four
I super wish KFI deferred to me in all programming decisions. (Hey, this is my wish list – I can wish for anything I want. Also, I’d like a very painful massage and a glass of unsweetened iced tea. Please.)

Five
I super wish George Noory participated in a totally secret celebrity chess enthusiast chatroom during Coast to Coast. So when he’s talking to Richard C. Hoagland and Linda Moulton Howe, he’s simultaneously IMing with Chris Hardwick and Mo Rocca and the guy from Jane’s Addiction about the Sicilian Defense.

Seriously?

Are you guys just effing with me with these continual “wayne resnick leaving kfi” Internet searches?

It’s giving me major anxiety and, believe me, I am already anxious enough. Why? Because. First, because my eyeshadow primer is trying to kill me. And also because the Marc Germain Show is taking two days off, I have to pay for fancy expensive summer camp next week, a sparkly gem fell off my cute bedazzled shoes, and I really, really need to go on vacation.

Anyway, I totally understand your Wayne Resnick googling jones. But instead of adding to my anxiety with your gloom and doom searches, can you pretty pretty please use these search terms instead?

wayne resnick kfi
wayne resnick is a huge stud
wayne resnick is very nice to cats and penguins
wayne resnick interesting clavicles
wayne resnick is the smartest man on earth and also venus and mercury but we’re still waiting for test results from a ‘rayne wesnick’ who lives on mars*

Thank you. You guys are the best!! Oh, and you also look super cute today.

*This is a stunningly specific search, but a good one nonetheless. Also, I heard this Rayne Wesnick once yelled at a puppy for eating all the pancakes. He sounds like a big jerk. So try not to fall for him. I think you’ll regret it.

Burning White Hot on Gallaway

I have a confession. I went a little crazy today, as evidenced in the following photograph.

Yes, I did listen to Gary Hoffmann sing Timmy Time in German a few times. Okay, YES, seventy times to be exact.

But to be fair, I put the song on repeat to punish my kid for choosing the wrong restaurant for dinner. So that accounts for like 15 of the plays.

(What? You don’t punish your kids with repetitive talk radio show themes? What do you do, like have a reasonable discussion followed by appropriate discipline and follow-through? Hm. Sounds boring.)

Anyway…recently I learned by way of my friend’s mom that you shouldn’t pray for people getting things done to their hineys. Fair enough. But maybe you could pray for people with an uncontrollable urge to listen to Gary Hoffmann sing in German?

große Audio

Sie wissen, wie Teresa Strasser sagt, sie hat eine leichte NaziFantasie? Sie liebt die große, blonde deutsche Männer mit großen Stirn.

Ich glaube, alle Frauen teilen diese Phantasie. Ein bisschen. Es ist Ralph Fiennes Schuld. Wir möchten nicht wie Nazis, aber wir können nicht helfen.

Gute Nachrichten, liebe Kolleginnen. Sie können jetzt fühlen Sie sich frei auf Deutsch dudes ohneStigmatisierung zu zerquetschen.

Oh? You don’t read German? This is what Google Translate thinks I wrote:

You know, says Teresa Strasser, she has a slight Nazi fantasy?She loves the big, blond German men with big foreheads.

I think all women share this fantasy. A little. It is Ralph Fiennes debt. We do not like Nazis, but we can not help.

Good news, ladies. You can now feel free to German dudes without stigma crush.

The Saints and Poets

In 1998 I lived in the middle of nowhere. 30 miles from the nearest grocery store. 60 miles from the nearest hospital. 80 miles from the nearest Chinese food (which, by the way, was mall Chinese food and, therefore, not really  Chinese food at all).

But only like…across the highway from the nearest llama. So THAT was totally awesome.

Our town had only one postal worker – the Postmaster. (Hey – if you’re the only one there, I guess you get to call yourself whatever you want.)

I worked from home all day. All alone in a house with patterned blue carpet and fluorescent lights in every room.

My neighbors were mostly alcoholics. And perpetrators of domestic violence, along with their victims, of course. Which was fine though because we didn’t have a police department anyway.

So yeah…I basically had no friends.

But I did have talk radio. Granted, it wasn’t super high-end talk radio. It was more like G. Gordon Liddy and Dr. Toni Grant.

One time a woman called into the Dr. Toni Grant show to say she discovered her husband was having inappropriate relations with sheep.

I was like – Will someone PLEASE invent a thing called iTunes and a device called an iPod and something called a podcast and a person called John Hodgman? And will the invented person called John Hodgman PLEASE impart on me all world knowledge AND ALSO pretend to be a judge and solve relationship-y disputes?

Thank you, Universe. That will be all.

Mathletes are indeed hot

Sometimes it’s fun to look at the search terms people used to find this site. Today one made me go – Huh?

Search term:  hot mathletes

And then I looked at the specific post that term matched and I was all – HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Matching post:  Mathletes are hot

I wrote a post called Mathletes are hot?!?! Totally don’t remember writing that.

Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab it’s the coolest invention of the 20th century.

Warning: This post is mainly for chicks. If you’re a dude, you might want to take a powder. Which should be fine cuz there are practically no guys who are into talk radio. Talk radio is like…real heavy on ovaries.

And speaking of ovaries…

Gina Grad, you did me a big favor by turning me on to the Period Tracker app. It’s awesome – I don’t know how I menstruated without it. (Sorry men…I warned you.)

So Gina. I’m very excited to repay your kindness by telling you to PLEASE stick it out with The Wire. You are going to be SO happy you did.

Because of this.

P.S. Hey Period Tracker app people. Enhancement request from a guy friend of mine… Please allow the tracking of multiple chicks’ periods. Because you know “in case you’re wrangling a lot of bitches and you need to find good week.” Um…thanks?