The One With the Fake Monica

Yo duuuuude. Wasssssup?!?! A blog about talk radio – whoa!

So check it, I love me some good talk radio. Dude, that Mark Levin is the MAN! I listen to everything that guy says.

Oh oh, dude, DUDE. Have you heard of this dude – Rush Limbaugh? Dude, that guy is effing smart. He even went to college. Someplace called the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced Conservative Studies. Dude, the college was NAMED after him!

He was like so smart the uptight college dudes were like – Bro, you’re so effing smart, we’re gonna name this em-effing institute after you! And Rush was like – Wooooooo! Let’s go drink beer!

I’m so glad I started listening to talk radio cuz, dude, now I don’t have to even THINK about ess and I’m like the most intellectualized dude out of all my bros, man.

Oh yeah, one more thing. That Tim Conway, Jr. – he is type WACK, yo. Who can listen to that ess? I don’t even get what he’s saying most of the time.

P.S. Lisa Ann Walter is a smoking hot piece of ass. And I heard she’s into big dudes. So you know what that means – more BEEEEEEER!!!!! YEAH! That’s what I’m TALKING about!

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Crap. I think I know what just happened here. I found out today that some big jerk-face stole my identity, along with $300 of my mani-pedi responsible spending money. It sucks.

Stealing my money is one thing, but stealing my BLOG identity? That’s crazy. How do you even do that?

I’m going to need Justin Levine on this right away. I need penal codes, I need judicial precedents, I need super-stare decisis. The works.

P.S. Thanks, Justin, for being a real lawyer. And a real dude.

Los Pollos Hermanos

I’m about to talk to you about the most interesting, intriguing, compelling, thought-provoking, awe-inspiring, mind-thinking-crazy-thoughts-it-never-thought-before-ing show on television.

Huh? Breaking Bad? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

No. The program I’m referring to is the legendary classic – The Vicar of Dibley.

Now I know we’ve ALL seen ALL the episodes dozens of times, so this is not news to you. But in case you’ve gone out of your way to avoid a lot of information in the last 17 years, The Vicar of Dibley features Dawn French and originally aired on BBC One from 1994-2007. (Thanks wikipedia.)

Seeing as how Dawn French was the star, she pretty much was allowed to make a bunch of the decisions. Most importantly, who she got to make out with on the show. Cuz what good is it to be famous if you don’t get to make out?

MEN DAWN FRENCH KISSED:

Clive Mantle
Johnny Depp
Richard Armitage
STEPHEN TOMPKINSON

Yeah. Good choices all.

Anyway, it got me thinking about talk shows and guests. I know a lot of hosts who are insanely in love with having guests. But I don’t know UH listener who enjoys them.

I’m not really talking about news-based shows who have relevant informational guests. I’m talking about long-format interviews with authors, reality TV producers, people in “show business.” It doesn’t matter how many books they’ve written or how many celebrities they know. They’re boring. 99% of the time.

But fine. It’s absolutely your show. If you want to make out with interview the guy who had the idea to make a Rosie O’Donnell parody show on public-access television 15 years ago, please. Go for it.

Don’t mind me. I’ll just be google imaging Stephen Tompkinson.

You have managed to remember I’m leaving for Vienna in the morning?

Preface: Please don’t tell my mom I’m telling you this story.

When I was a cute little blonde girl wearing jeans tucked into knee-high, zip-up boots and a t-shirt with a rainbow on it, I went to CCD. They don’t call it that anymore. Now they call it “Religious Education.” So formal!

CCD is kinda like Sunday School for Catholic kids. Only we didn’t read the Bible or anything. Mostly we just talked about sex.

This one rainy day after a super enthusiastic anti-sex class, I walked outside to wait for my mom to pick me up. And waited. And waited.

Eventually it was just me. Me and a nun. Just a couple of girls. Standing there in the rain. Talking about sex.

So yeah. Turns out – my mom forgot to pick me up.

And I realized today I totally forgot to do something! I forgot to tell you about the crazy awesome t-shirt my aunt Jami gave me for my birthday. Ta da!!

Isn’t it cute? I love it. And I’m going to wear it with jeans tucked into knee-high, zip-up boots.

And then I’ll probably see if there are any nuns around. And have a rousing sex talk. For old times’ sake.

P.S. Just kidding.

P.P.S. About finding a nun. I’m totally going to do the knee-high boot thing.

 

And then we’re gonna go go go go go go

This is a picture of my son when he was five years old and starting kindergarten. He weighed about 35 pounds.

He was also inordinately curious about stuff. In fact, the first time he met his teacher, this happened…

Teacher: Hi, welcome to kindergarten. What is your name?
Him: My name is Logan. I have a LOT of questions EVERY DAY.

That has always been my favorite parenting moment.

Until this week…

Logan: I have to interview you about September 11 for my Social Studies class.
Me: Why don’t you just listen to that Bill Handel montage they played on Friday?
Logan: Mom. They said I have to interview an adult I TRUST.

Good boy.

Peter Tilden is not Howard Stern. And you can’t convince me otherwise.

In case you were wondering why Teresa Strasser is no longer on the KABC morning show with Peter Tilden, listen to the 8/24/11 episode of the Adam Carolla Show.

This is a one-on-one episode, just Adam and Teresa. So if you hate Dawson and think Bald Bryan is an idiot, don’t worry. They’re not on it.

If you think Adam is a tool and you don’t want to listen at all, here’s the takeaway message…

Teresa is a mom with a young child. It’s hard to wake up at 4:30. And it sucks not being able to see your kid in the morning.

You know that scene near the end of Bridget Jones’ Diary when Bridget realizes she loves Mark mere moments before she discovers Mark is engaged and moving to America? She shouts in front of everyone -

No! No!

Then, embarrassed, she’s like -

It’s such a terrible pity…for England…to lose such a great legal brain.

This situation is exactly like that. It’s such a terrible pity for Los Angeles to lose such a great talk radio brain.

P.S. OK, fine. The Teresa thing is only a little like the Mark Darcy thing.

P.P.S. But you should read her book. Read everything she writes. Teresa is a fantastic writer and I ardently admire her.