So I learned from the movie Love Actually that, at Christmastime, you tell the truth. Seems like a good lesson. And, really, if you’re gonna tell your best friend’s wife that you’re in love with her, it probably is best to do that at Christmas. Because your best friend will likely be too stuffed from eating all those stupid cookies to get up from the couch and answer the door.

Now if I take this argument to its logical conclusion, I think it means that at New Year’s you…put on your skimpiest outfit and go to a club and try to dance while thousands of people’s bodies are pressed up against you and no one can see your cute outfit anyway? No? Um…you…stay home and watch old episodes of Johnny Carson and really enjoy that depression?

Tempting, but no.

First, you watch You’ve Got Mail. And then you make a list of all the things that are giving you anxiety about the new year.

(Don’t argue with me on this. It’s mandatory. And don’t try to tell me Shop Around the Corner is better. Shop Around the Corner is good. But in that movie Klara is reading Anna Karenina. And in YGM, Kathleen is reading Pride and Prejudice. C’mon…have you ACTUALLY tried to read Anna Karenina? It’s impossible.)

So here is my Anxiety List for 2012 – enjoy! (Email me your anxiety lists! I promise not to tell.)

1. Living a Costco lifestyle.
This happens when you move to the suburbs and all of your entertainment revolves around Costco. You’re not going to movies. (Why? You can buy the DVDs at Costco in three months.) You’re not going on dates at interesting restaurants. (Why? You can share a slice of pizza at Costco.) You’re not getting proper eye exams. (Why? The optometrist at Costco is a real optometrist.)

2. Accidentally moving to the South.
This is on my anxiety list every year. What if, through an unfortunate series of events, I woke up and I lived in Arkansas? I would die. I mean, no offense to those who love the South. I know some people love it and I respect that. I just think the chances of anyone in the South wanting to be my friend are extremely low. And I need all the chances I can get.

3. Relatively intelligent overnight radio shows being replaced by shows for truckers.
Oh…eff.

Happy New Year!!!

So far this holiday season, talk radio has been very complainy. Mostly stemming from that Bill Carroll show.

I don’t like Christmas cards.

I don’t like Christmas pictures.

I don’t like getting up early to fill in for Bill Handel.

I don’t like parents to ride bikes with their kids.

I don’t like my mother-in-law hanging around the house.

I don’t listen to the Tim Conway, Jr. show so stop telling me I’m stealing his bits.

I don’t like figuring out what to buy my wife for Christmas so I just buy jewelry.

I mean, really. Do we have to be THIS negative? I can’t stand people who are irritated by every little thing.

I hate it SO much when talk radio hosts get put out by the crowds at the mall, the incessant Christmas music, the bothersome nativity scenes outside various city halls, and those stupid peppermint mochas at Starbucks.

Can’t you just let it roll off your back and enjoy the wonderment of the birth of our lord and savior, or the celebration of oil that lasted for eight days, or the honoring of universal African-American heritage and culture?

C’mon people.

P.S. Yes, I do realize I wrote a post complaining about complaining in talk radio. It’s all very meta.

P.P.S. MERRY EVERYTHING! Here’s an annoying picture of me and my family.