Top 10 Things To Do When You’re Home Sick

10. Drink about eight cups of coffee.

9. Read The Hairpin and see what they know.

8. Discover they know The Neverending Story is actually a book, not just an AWESOME movie.

7. Feel dumb for not knowing that. Check on eBay for a first edition copy of The Neverending Story. Find one for $107. Decide that’s a little excessive. Buy a new hardcover edition on Amazon for $14. Feel good about saving $93.

6. Borrow a free book from the Amazon Prime Kindle lender’s library. Feel very environmental. Also thrifty.

5. Wonder why I now feel sicker. Realize it’s probably the eight cups of coffee and no food. Press on. No whining allowed.

4. Read borrowed Kindle book in its entirety. Realize it’s actually more like a novella than an actual novel.

3. Watch four episodes of Downton Abbey. Ponder if O’Brien’s more subdued series two sideburns are supposed to make her appear more sympathetic. Continue falling in love with Anna and Mr. Bates.

2. Try to write a clever blog post recapping TBTL’s 1000th show. Realize I’m not that clever. Or interesting. Also realize my throat is on fire and every sneeze feels like it’s trying to kill me.

1. Give up. Go to bed. Night!

KABC News: Eh, we never said we were that into it.

You know how when you’re reading The New York Times on Monday morning and they’re like -

An Italian cruise ship ran aground on Friday. We were kinda busy this weekend so that’s like all we know now. If you want more information, maybe you can come back later today or tomorrow or something?

Well, probably more like tomorrow afternoon because, you know, today is Monday. And I HATE Mondays.

So….I’ll probably be able to get some more details on this boat thing like mid-morning Tuesday? And then right after lunch I’ll type somethin’ up for ya. Mkay?

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to know more RIGHT NOW (sheesh!) you could read another newspaper or online news site. I suppose some of their reporters have like NO life and spent time over the weekend actually monitoring this story.

But c’mon, it’s not like we’re a NEWSpaper or anything….. Oh….right.

Okay, fine. How ’bout some Golden Globes news then? Well, Ricky Jervayis was the host….or, something like that anyway. You can’t honestly expect me to know how to spell his name. I told you -

I-was-bus-y-this-week-end.

No? That’s not how The New York Times covered these events? How odd. I just thought since they’re a news source and KABC is supposedly a news source, they’d have a similar work ethic. Apparently not.

Terri-Rae Elmer revealed on air that this morning was her first time seeing the shipwreck pictures. She also had no idea how to pronounce Ricky Gervais’ name.

Seriously, T-Rae? I thought you were supposed to be the news anchor. The big-shot KFI news anchor that brings all the credibility and listeners and awards and stuff. And you’re not even TRYING to be good at your new job?!

That is bullshit.

P.S. Please forgive my un-ladylike language.

P.P.S. Doug, you’re a big stud. Sorry.

Silver, he is Jack Silver

Where: KABC Studios, Los Angeles, California

When: Three weeks ago

Jack: SCORE!! We bagged a KFI news chick!! We’re gonna be HUGE!

Jack: OK, give it to me – what ya got?

Terri-Rae: What do you mean? I worked at KFI for 28 years. KFI news is one of the most successful and respected news departments in all media.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, that’s neat. But what’s your gag, your gimmick, your affectation, your fake name… C’mon, give me something to work with here.

Terri-Rae: Well…when John would say something gross I would say ‘ewwwwwww.’ Is that what you mean?

Jack: That’s good, that’s good. But we need to tweak it, make it more KABC and less KFI. Thinking, thinking, thinking…. I’ve got it!!! Instead of ‘ewwwwwww’ you go ‘ohhhhhhhhh.’ It’s RADIO GOLD!

And….scene.