A Drink, A Book, A Monkey on a Piece of Ginger

When you grow up in southern California, you meet a lot of celebrities. A LOT.

For example, I once saw Ed Begley, Jr. at a play. And another time, I saw a guy who looked kinda like Peter Scolari at Vons in Garden Grove.

So you understand when I tell you that I am not prone to being starstruck.

Imagine then how surprised I was when I found myself acting like a total dork in front of JOHN HODGMAN on Friday night.

Seriously.

It was totally embarrassing. I had planned to be all sophisticated and sexy and all, “Oh, John Hodgman…what a pleasure to see you here. Quite a lovely book. Well done.”

But instead I was like, “Hi. I’m a huge nerd. Now I’m going to say some stuff I’ve heard you say before. Because that never made a situation awkward. And, oh, did I remember to tell you I’m a huge nerd?”

Jennifer Saunders. Dork. That is all.

I was dreamin when I wrote this

So last summer all my friends were posting on Facebook like crazy -

Wooo! Prince! Best concert ever!!!!!!!
(Seriously. That many exclamation points. They were nuts!!!)

And I was all -

That’s weird. I didn’t know William and/or Harry could sing. Hmpf…but…whatever.

I still don’t know if it was William or Harry they were so amped up about. I’m guessing Harry though cuz he’s cuter.

But anyway…

As excited as my friends were to see the Prince in concert, that is how excited I am to see JOHN HODGMAN in…concert? In reading? I’m not sure what it’s called.

What do you say when an author is on book tour? But it’s not really a book signing. Actually, I’m not exactly sure what is going to happen.

All I know is that JOHN HODGMAN will be at LARGO next Friday and SO WILL I.

P.S. If you have not listened to HIS PODCAST, you should do so immediately. It is one of the MOST IMPORTANT podcasts ever.

P.P.S. What should I wear?

P.P.P.S. Stop it! Do not say, “I don’t pay attention to women’s clothes” or “Wear nothing. Plus boots.” I need real help here.

P.P.P.P.S. If you want to come over and watch me try stuff on, let me know.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Am I gonna be the only girl at this event? Please advise.

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Excuse me while I study my Hodgman. In my thermal chamber.

The Handbags and the Gladrags

Once upon a time I created a Facebook group to reinstate the LONG Timmy Time theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Yeah, that didn’t really work.

However, I still firmly believe in the importance of theme songs.

Luke, Sean, and Jen on TBTL recently did a fantastic show entitled Why It Matters: TV Theme Songs. You should totally listen to it.

And then you should make a list of your top five TV theme songs. Here are mine.

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood
Best theme song of all time. Also best TV show of all time. Completely sophisticated and wonderful. Did you know Johnny Costa played the music LIVE for every single episode? (Yeeeeeesssss, I-know-I’ve-written-about-this-five-times-but-some-people-don’t-read-every-day, my brotha.)

Bosom Buddies
Reminds me of faking being sick, staying home from school, playing Super Mario Bros., and studying for Academic Decathlon. I know, I know…nerd.

Mary Tyler Moore
Sorry, it is NOT hacky to love this song. It’s awesome. Also, I still need Lou Grant to come over when I have insomnia and sit with me until I fall asleep.

Gidget
Bathing suits, the beach, surfing, cute boys, hot English professor single dads. If you grew up in southern California, this is your anthem.

The British Office
If ever a theme song perfectly matched the tone and feeling of a show, this is it. Its melancholyness and desperate longingness makes your heart feel like it’s being squeezed by that guy you love who won’t love you back.

GOD, that is sad. Go listen to the Bosom Buddies song again before you slip into a Dees-pression.

From a night printing press manager out in Burbank

I often say that the moment of my life in which I felt the most proud of another human being was when Neville killed Nagini in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Hey, stop it! I am not a loser! Or a nerd! Hmpf.)

Today I feel a similar kind of proudness pride about Mr. Randy Wang.

Not only did LAist write an awesome article about the wild popularity of The Pretty Good Podcast, but Randy has also been honored with the privilege of possessing his very own blog on the KFI website.

This is super awesome. Because now Randy is rubbing pixels with tons of KFI superstars! People like Michelle Kube, Steve Gregory, and Wayne Resnick’s cat!

Congratulations, Randy – you’re a big effing STUD!

P.S. If you want to hear a real low-energy Randy Wang (erstwhile Ryan Wong) and you have a deep, DEEP Conway and Whitman podcast library, listen to the 10/18/06 segment entitled, “The Bloggers and the Homeless.”

P.P.S. I would like someone to please write a short story, or perhaps a one-act play, of the same title. Thank you for your artistry. You are very kind.

P.P.P.S. In that same segment, you will also be treated to the story of Brian Whitman and the Homeless Hotel Rental. Again…one-act play fodder. Go!

P.P.P.P.S. Brian, you are not allowed to listen to it. I don’t want to unnecessarily upset you by forcing you to reminisce about your American Express black card.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Rubbing Pixels is the name of my new band. We do covers of autotuned talk radio segments. Yeah, we’re gonna be SUPER famous!

The Saints and Poets

In 1998 I lived in the middle of nowhere. 30 miles from the nearest grocery store. 60 miles from the nearest hospital. 80 miles from the nearest Chinese food (which, by the way, was mall Chinese food and, therefore, not really  Chinese food at all).

But only like…across the highway from the nearest llama. So THAT was totally awesome.

Our town had only one postal worker – the Postmaster. (Hey – if you’re the only one there, I guess you get to call yourself whatever you want.)

I worked from home all day. All alone in a house with patterned blue carpet and fluorescent lights in every room.

My neighbors were mostly alcoholics. And perpetrators of domestic violence, along with their victims, of course. Which was fine though because we didn’t have a police department anyway.

So yeah…I basically had no friends.

But I did have talk radio. Granted, it wasn’t super high-end talk radio. It was more like G. Gordon Liddy and Dr. Toni Grant.

One time a woman called into the Dr. Toni Grant show to say she discovered her husband was having inappropriate relations with sheep.

I was like – Will someone PLEASE invent a thing called iTunes and a device called an iPod and something called a podcast and a person called John Hodgman? And will the invented person called John Hodgman PLEASE impart on me all world knowledge AND ALSO pretend to be a judge and solve relationship-y disputes?

Thank you, Universe. That will be all.

Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab it’s the coolest invention of the 20th century.

Warning: This post is mainly for chicks. If you’re a dude, you might want to take a powder. Which should be fine cuz there are practically no guys who are into talk radio. Talk radio is like…real heavy on ovaries.

And speaking of ovaries…

Gina Grad, you did me a big favor by turning me on to the Period Tracker app. It’s awesome – I don’t know how I menstruated without it. (Sorry men…I warned you.)

So Gina. I’m very excited to repay your kindness by telling you to PLEASE stick it out with The Wire. You are going to be SO happy you did.

Because of this.

P.S. Hey Period Tracker app people. Enhancement request from a guy friend of mine… Please allow the tracking of multiple chicks’ periods. Because you know “in case you’re wrangling a lot of bitches and you need to find good week.” Um…thanks?

If you call and I’m not home, I’ll be at the gym or the gun club.

Hello, Jack? I’m Annette.

Some of you have wondered why I’ve been so generous and complimentary lately. You’re like – What’s going on with you? You seem so happy. Did you get a new kitten? Are you pregnant? Are you in love? And I’m all – No…I don’t think so…and no.

So lest you think I’ve become too soft, here’s a list of people who are doing it wrong.

Heidi and Frank – They open the show with various songs that have two things in common. They’re super long and they’re super annoying. Actually, the entire show is filled with terrible music.

Pretty Good Podcast – Sorry, Randy. I’m totally glad you have a girlfriend. Will you please just call her your girlfriend? Or at least make up a new, normal name for her? Something like Rachel or Emily or Brooke? I mean, I get the Apollonia significance, but c’mon. Unless you’re actually Prince, you can’t call your girl Apollonia.

KFI – Alright, we’ve had our Frosty trial. Enough. He’s not getting better. He’s getting worse.

#tigerblood

Yo. The following people have #tigerblood.

John Hodgman – Seriously. Have you been listening to his podcast? It’s so #winning that I have to save it up and only let myself listen to it on special occasions. Like when I’m radically depressed from watching this movie, even though I should have known better because when I read the book I was in such a depression coma that I had to…listen to John Hodgman? I’m pretty sure THIS* is the brand new circle of life.

Wayne Resnick – Is there something better than #tigerblood? Because if there is, Wayne has that instead. If you don’t believe me, look at this picture of him and try not to have tears fill your eyes. I’m pretty sure that’s the body’s autonomic response to viewing faces of perfection. And he likes cappuccinos. Which #animalswithbloodbetterthantigers looooooove.

Todd Wilson – Also known as Mr. Magnificent. I think he has #tigerblood? I mean, he makes me laugh. Does that count? Are #tigers funny? I’m also not totally sure what’s going on with his eyebrows. Do #tigers have eyebrows? Let’s agree to table this one for now. #tigerbloodstatusuncertain

*See what I did there? I was writing about John Hodgman, a man who LOVES all-caps words and I ALL-CAPPED the word ‘this.’ Get it? Hey! I think maybe I have #tigerblood! Huh? OK, fine. #dorkblood.

How.about.a.nice.game.of.chess?

Here’s a list of awesome things I’ve learned from Jen Andrews of TBTL fame.

  • Always keep a bottle of champagne in your fridge.
  • Keep a big box of Kleenex in your car. In case of emergency, you can pee in it, then throw the box away.
  • If you’re sick but have to go to a party…one shot of peppermint schnapps plus two Advil and you’re good for exactly two hours.

So…Jen is kind of in charge of me right now. I’ll do whatever she says. And she spent Valentine’s day eating pizza with her husband and watching Ken Jennings and Bruce Rutter play Jeopardy against Watson, an IBM computer.

She also reminds us that in WarGames it only took Joshua a few rounds of tic-tac-toe to prove the futility of global thermonuclear war.

And that reminded me how much I love that movie. I love how David knows how to make his computer dial every number in Sunnyvale. I love how Jennifer is a little bit slutty. I love the WOPR. It’s all very, very, very awesome.

So take that, Ken Jennings?

My mother loved to twirl

You know how sometimes things are unexpectedly disappointing? Like…

Someone else bought the cabinet you so desperately wanted from HomeGoods so that you could upgrade your lifestyle by pretending you’re Kathleen Kelly. And now it belongs to someone who will most certainly NOT pretend to be Kathleen Kelly whilst using it – probably for something stupid like fake ferns, rusty watering cans, and candles they never light. Not awesome wine, IKEA napkins, and fresh cut daisies from the farmer’s market like you were going to. Or…

Your landlord decided to install a new mailbox and not give you a new key so you’ve been waiting with increasingly annoyed anticipation for six days to receive The Wire, Season 3 Disc 1 from Netflix. And you’re kind of forgetting about that crush you had on Stringer. Which is unfortunate because he is HOT. Or…

Your totally nice, Japanese-made car needed new brakes and a bunch of other stuff, which added up to $518, which you didn’t have so you had to lay a card down, which made you laugh a little bit to yourself when you used the phrase ‘lay a card down,’ but not enough to offset the unexpected disappointment of having to pay $518, which you would have had if you had listened to Dave Ramsey and had a $1000 ‘starter emergency fund’ instead of a ‘spend $1000 on a computer and new Coach bag’ plan.

Right?

Well, today was kinda like that with podcasts.

Too Beautiful to Live – No Jen.
Tim Conway, Jr. – Bryan Suits fill in.
Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me – Clip show. SPORTS clip show.
Heidi and Frank – Stay or go.

Meh.