Secure the Blessings of Liberty

So…John and Ken got suspended for referring to Whitney Houston as a “crack ho” on their show yesterday.

Pretty sure calling a dead woman a crack ho is cheap and tasteless and not terribly creative.

Also pretty sure calling a dead woman a crack ho is protected free speech.

But fine, whatever. Clear Channel can suspend whomever they want for whatever reason.

Two things though:

1. Radio stations being owned by major media conglomerates – bad idea. Because it’s not just KFI that gets to decide what’s best for its station and its talk show hosts. It’s Clear Channel that ultimately makes those decisions. And that seems bad. Look, I’m dumb. I can’t explain this point well. If you’re friends with Wayne Resnick or Barry from Omaha, you should talk to them. They’re smart. They’d be able to break it down.

2. KFI and the John and Ken Show only benefit from the suspension. John and Ken get an unexpected 10-day vacation. KFI gets to Tweet stuff like – JOHN AND KEN SUSPENDED with links to their website, which drives more page views and more revenue.

So in conclusion, this whole thing is over-hyped, totally phony, and pretty lame.

#crackhosunite

P.S. Like Rob Marinko, sometimes I do my best work on Facebook.

A Love Letter

Remember when you graduated from high school and everyone was like – We’ll totally see each other all the time! Just cuz we’re going to different colleges doesn’t mean we won’t still talk every single day! I mean, we have those BFF necklaces and everything! We really are Best Friends Forever!

And you believe it. Because in that moment, it’s true.

But then everyone gets jobs and new boyfriends and goes new places and has new experiences and the best friends you promised yourself to when you were 14 are slowly replaced by the 17 people passed out in your bed because they were too drunk to drive home last night.

And that’s okay. And normal.

You do still talk to your old best friends. Only now it’s like – OMG what have you been up to?! I haven’t heard from you in ages! How’s Brad? Oh, Brandon? I thought his name was Brad. Oh, this is a different guy? Got it.

It’s fun catching up. But it doesn’t have the same intimate importance as the times when you passed notes back and forth all day at school and then came home and talked to each other on the phone for hours until your moms yelled – Get OFF the phone! It’s time for dinner!

Recently, Jennifer Andrews announced she would be taking a step back from TBTL, moving from Seattle and pursuing some other opportunities, while still (of course) keeping in touch with the show and remaining part of the TBTL family.

And that’s okay. And normal.

I know we listeners should be happy for her. I am. Jen is brave and adventurous and admirable.

But I’m also a little sad. Because, even though we’re not in-real-life best friends, she and Luke and TBTL are an important part of my every day.

They’re the show I most recommend to others. They’re the show I point to as a nearly perfect example of how talk radio should be. They’re the show that speaks to me most, that I have the most in common with.

And while I know I will continue to enjoy TBTL as it evolves, I will always look back on its old incarnation with infinite fondness, affection and gratitude.

Best of luck, Jen. Forever.

RAWR!

I don’t know you

I once listened to an audiobook narrated by super celebrity Chad Lowe.

I also once listened to an audiobook narrated by voice actor Del Roy. (Not Delroy Lindo. Just Del Roy.)

And guess which one was infinitely better? The one read by the guy from Life Goes On? Or the one read by the VOICE ACTOR? Right. It was the one who READS STUFF FOR A LIVING. Del Roy’s storytelling was amazing. Chad Lowe’s…horrendous.

Lots of years ago April Winchell brought to light the despicable practice of replacing talented voice actors in cartoon movies with famous people. The logic being – we make more money because people are dumb and they don’t want to see a cartoon where the frog sounds like a no-name voice actor. The frog needs to sound like Ryan Gosling. It doesn’t matter if it’s good or not.

KABC recently made a similar move by replacing a talented non-famous radio host (John Phillips) with a non-talented famous person (Geraldo). Okay, maybe Geraldo is not non-talented. But he is totally non-talented at being a talk radio host.

I am no longer accepting the “we make more money” argument. I don’t care how much money you make. Alice Waters would make more money if she opened eighty-billion Chez Panisses and sprinkled every entree with brown sugar and cocaine. But that would be terrible for humanity.

Yes. I am saying that Geraldo on the radio is terrible for humanity.

So…I guess I gotta go. I should probably head to Jack in the Box and drink a bacon milkshake and listen to Brad Pitt narrate All the Pretty Horses and watch Happy Feet Two.

Top 10 Things To Do When You’re Home Sick

10. Drink about eight cups of coffee.

9. Read The Hairpin and see what they know.

8. Discover they know The Neverending Story is actually a book, not just an AWESOME movie.

7. Feel dumb for not knowing that. Check on eBay for a first edition copy of The Neverending Story. Find one for $107. Decide that’s a little excessive. Buy a new hardcover edition on Amazon for $14. Feel good about saving $93.

6. Borrow a free book from the Amazon Prime Kindle lender’s library. Feel very environmental. Also thrifty.

5. Wonder why I now feel sicker. Realize it’s probably the eight cups of coffee and no food. Press on. No whining allowed.

4. Read borrowed Kindle book in its entirety. Realize it’s actually more like a novella than an actual novel.

3. Watch four episodes of Downton Abbey. Ponder if O’Brien’s more subdued series two sideburns are supposed to make her appear more sympathetic. Continue falling in love with Anna and Mr. Bates.

2. Try to write a clever blog post recapping TBTL’s 1000th show. Realize I’m not that clever. Or interesting. Also realize my throat is on fire and every sneeze feels like it’s trying to kill me.

1. Give up. Go to bed. Night!

KABC News: Eh, we never said we were that into it.

You know how when you’re reading The New York Times on Monday morning and they’re like -

An Italian cruise ship ran aground on Friday. We were kinda busy this weekend so that’s like all we know now. If you want more information, maybe you can come back later today or tomorrow or something?

Well, probably more like tomorrow afternoon because, you know, today is Monday. And I HATE Mondays.

So….I’ll probably be able to get some more details on this boat thing like mid-morning Tuesday? And then right after lunch I’ll type somethin’ up for ya. Mkay?

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to know more RIGHT NOW (sheesh!) you could read another newspaper or online news site. I suppose some of their reporters have like NO life and spent time over the weekend actually monitoring this story.

But c’mon, it’s not like we’re a NEWSpaper or anything….. Oh….right.

Okay, fine. How ’bout some Golden Globes news then? Well, Ricky Jervayis was the host….or, something like that anyway. You can’t honestly expect me to know how to spell his name. I told you -

I-was-bus-y-this-week-end.

No? That’s not how The New York Times covered these events? How odd. I just thought since they’re a news source and KABC is supposedly a news source, they’d have a similar work ethic. Apparently not.

Terri-Rae Elmer revealed on air that this morning was her first time seeing the shipwreck pictures. She also had no idea how to pronounce Ricky Gervais’ name.

Seriously, T-Rae? I thought you were supposed to be the news anchor. The big-shot KFI news anchor that brings all the credibility and listeners and awards and stuff. And you’re not even TRYING to be good at your new job?!

That is bullshit.

P.S. Please forgive my un-ladylike language.

P.P.S. Doug, you’re a big stud. Sorry.

Silver, he is Jack Silver

Where: KABC Studios, Los Angeles, California

When: Three weeks ago

Jack: SCORE!! We bagged a KFI news chick!! We’re gonna be HUGE!

Jack: OK, give it to me – what ya got?

Terri-Rae: What do you mean? I worked at KFI for 28 years. KFI news is one of the most successful and respected news departments in all media.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, that’s neat. But what’s your gag, your gimmick, your affectation, your fake name… C’mon, give me something to work with here.

Terri-Rae: Well…when John would say something gross I would say ‘ewwwwwww.’ Is that what you mean?

Jack: That’s good, that’s good. But we need to tweak it, make it more KABC and less KFI. Thinking, thinking, thinking…. I’ve got it!!! Instead of ‘ewwwwwww’ you go ‘ohhhhhhhhh.’ It’s RADIO GOLD!

And….scene.

Don’t cry, Shopgirl. Don’t cry.

So I learned from the movie Love Actually that, at Christmastime, you tell the truth. Seems like a good lesson. And, really, if you’re gonna tell your best friend’s wife that you’re in love with her, it probably is best to do that at Christmas. Because your best friend will likely be too stuffed from eating all those stupid cookies to get up from the couch and answer the door.

Now if I take this argument to its logical conclusion, I think it means that at New Year’s you…put on your skimpiest outfit and go to a club and try to dance while thousands of people’s bodies are pressed up against you and no one can see your cute outfit anyway? No? Um…you…stay home and watch old episodes of Johnny Carson and really enjoy that depression?

Tempting, but no.

First, you watch You’ve Got Mail. And then you make a list of all the things that are giving you anxiety about the new year.

(Don’t argue with me on this. It’s mandatory. And don’t try to tell me Shop Around the Corner is better. Shop Around the Corner is good. But in that movie Klara is reading Anna Karenina. And in YGM, Kathleen is reading Pride and Prejudice. C’mon…have you ACTUALLY tried to read Anna Karenina? It’s impossible.)

So here is my Anxiety List for 2012 – enjoy! (Email me your anxiety lists! I promise not to tell.)

1. Living a Costco lifestyle.
This happens when you move to the suburbs and all of your entertainment revolves around Costco. You’re not going to movies. (Why? You can buy the DVDs at Costco in three months.) You’re not going on dates at interesting restaurants. (Why? You can share a slice of pizza at Costco.) You’re not getting proper eye exams. (Why? The optometrist at Costco is a real optometrist.)

2. Accidentally moving to the South.
This is on my anxiety list every year. What if, through an unfortunate series of events, I woke up and I lived in Arkansas? I would die. I mean, no offense to those who love the South. I know some people love it and I respect that. I just think the chances of anyone in the South wanting to be my friend are extremely low. And I need all the chances I can get.

3. Relatively intelligent overnight radio shows being replaced by shows for truckers.
Oh…eff.

Happy New Year!!!

Telegrams! Pussy Willows!

Like most normal people, I’m on vacation this week. And I’m doing some fun stuff. Mostly eating. For example, this was the setting of my breakfast this morning.But while you and I are dining on beignets and lobster bisque and souffle and drinking wine in a restaurant designed by Pirates of the Caribbean ride people, there’s a lot of great stuff going on radio-wise.

So if you’re still in the midst of your holiday depression, please know that radio is pulling for you.

xoxo
JMS

There won’t be glasses of mulled wine either

So far this holiday season, talk radio has been very complainy. Mostly stemming from that Bill Carroll show.

I don’t like Christmas cards.

I don’t like Christmas pictures.

I don’t like getting up early to fill in for Bill Handel.

I don’t like parents to ride bikes with their kids.

I don’t like my mother-in-law hanging around the house.

I don’t listen to the Tim Conway, Jr. show so stop telling me I’m stealing his bits.

I don’t like figuring out what to buy my wife for Christmas so I just buy jewelry.

I mean, really. Do we have to be THIS negative? I can’t stand people who are irritated by every little thing.

I hate it SO much when talk radio hosts get put out by the crowds at the mall, the incessant Christmas music, the bothersome nativity scenes outside various city halls, and those stupid peppermint mochas at Starbucks.

Can’t you just let it roll off your back and enjoy the wonderment of the birth of our lord and savior, or the celebration of oil that lasted for eight days, or the honoring of universal African-American heritage and culture?

C’mon people.

P.S. Yes, I do realize I wrote a post complaining about complaining in talk radio. It’s all very meta.

P.P.S. MERRY EVERYTHING! Here’s an annoying picture of me and my family.

Never had to have a chaperone, no sir.

Alright studs. Let’s do this thing.

So last week whilst I was enjoying a delightful evening at the cinema…

…all of radio went effing nuts.

Terri-Rae Elmer

After like 28 years working at KFI, Terri-Rae Elmer quit. You guys, I’m only 29 years old. That means she’d been working at KFI since I was baby. Crazy.

Red Eye Radio

Um…yeah. So then Doug McIntyre quit Red Eye Radio, an institution he created.

TRD in the morning

Remember the morning show at KFI in the early 90s – TNT in the Morning? Terri-Rae Elmer and Tracey Miller? I would listen to that.

I guess KABC is finally coming around to that idea. And now Terri-Rae and Doug are available so they’ve teamed up to bring us a new KABC morning show called…TRD in the Morning? Seriously? Turd in the Morning??? Okaaaayyyy…

Just kiddin’, I’m sure it’s not called that. And Doug is super fantastic and smart. I’ll definitely check it out.

Question: Does this mean Doug will have to go into KABC every day again? I’m pretty sure he’s been doing Red Eye from his office. Or maybe Terri-Rae will go over to Doug’s place? Sounds cozy.

Peter Tilden

Oh. Right. Um…was that show still on?