9. Read The Hairpin and see what they know.

8. Discover they know The Neverending Story is actually a book, not just an AWESOME movie.

7. Feel dumb for not knowing that. Check on eBay for a first edition copy of The Neverending Story. Find one for $107. Decide that’s a little excessive. Buy a new hardcover edition on Amazon for $14. Feel good about saving $93.

6. Borrow a free book from the Amazon Prime Kindle lender’s library. Feel very environmental. Also thrifty.

5. Wonder why I now feel sicker. Realize it’s probably the eight cups of coffee and no food. Press on. No whining allowed.

4. Read borrowed Kindle book in its entirety. Realize it’s actually more like a novella than an actual novel.

3. Watch four episodes of Downton Abbey. Ponder if O’Brien’s more subdued series two sideburns are supposed to make her appear more sympathetic. Continue falling in love with Anna and Mr. Bates.

2. Try to write a clever blog post recapping TBTL’s 1000th show. Realize I’m not that clever. Or interesting. Also realize my throat is on fire and every sneeze feels like it’s trying to kill me.

1. Give up. Go to bed. Night!

An Italian cruise ship ran aground on Friday. We were kinda busy this weekend so that’s like all we know now. If you want more information, maybe you can come back later today or tomorrow or something?

Well, probably more like tomorrow afternoon because, you know, today is Monday. And I HATE Mondays.

So….I’ll probably be able to get some more details on this boat thing like mid-morning Tuesday? And then right after lunch I’ll type somethin’ up for ya. Mkay?

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to know more RIGHT NOW (sheesh!) you could read another newspaper or online news site. I suppose some of their reporters have like NO life and spent time over the weekend actually monitoring this story.

But c’mon, it’s not like we’re a NEWSpaper or anything….. Oh….right.

Okay, fine. How ’bout some Golden Globes news then? Well, Ricky Jervayis was the host….or, something like that anyway. You can’t honestly expect me to know how to spell his name. I told you -

I-was-bus-y-this-week-end.

No? That’s not how The New York Times covered these events? How odd. I just thought since they’re a news source and KABC is supposedly a news source, they’d have a similar work ethic. Apparently not.

Terri-Rae Elmer revealed on air that this morning was her first time seeing the shipwreck pictures. She also had no idea how to pronounce Ricky Gervais’ name.

Seriously, T-Rae? I thought you were supposed to be the news anchor. The big-shot KFI news anchor that brings all the credibility and listeners and awards and stuff. And you’re not even TRYING to be good at your new job?!

That is bullshit.

P.S. Please forgive my un-ladylike language.

P.P.S. Doug, you’re a big stud. Sorry.

When: Three weeks ago

Jack: SCORE!! We bagged a KFI news chick!! We’re gonna be HUGE!

Jack: OK, give it to me – what ya got?

Terri-Rae: What do you mean? I worked at KFI for 28 years. KFI news is one of the most successful and respected news departments in all media.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, that’s neat. But what’s your gag, your gimmick, your affectation, your fake name… C’mon, give me something to work with here.

Terri-Rae: Well…when John would say something gross I would say ‘ewwwwwww.’ Is that what you mean?

Jack: That’s good, that’s good. But we need to tweak it, make it more KABC and less KFI. Thinking, thinking, thinking…. I’ve got it!!! Instead of ‘ewwwwwww’ you go ‘ohhhhhhhhh.’ It’s RADIO GOLD!

And….scene.

Now if I take this argument to its logical conclusion, I think it means that at New Year’s you…put on your skimpiest outfit and go to a club and try to dance while thousands of people’s bodies are pressed up against you and no one can see your cute outfit anyway? No? Um…you…stay home and watch old episodes of Johnny Carson and really enjoy that depression?

Tempting, but no.

First, you watch You’ve Got Mail. And then you make a list of all the things that are giving you anxiety about the new year.

(Don’t argue with me on this. It’s mandatory. And don’t try to tell me Shop Around the Corner is better. Shop Around the Corner is good. But in that movie Klara is reading Anna Karenina. And in YGM, Kathleen is reading Pride and Prejudice. C’mon…have you ACTUALLY tried to read Anna Karenina? It’s impossible.)

So here is my Anxiety List for 2012 – enjoy! (Email me your anxiety lists! I promise not to tell.)

1. Living a Costco lifestyle.
This happens when you move to the suburbs and all of your entertainment revolves around Costco. You’re not going to movies. (Why? You can buy the DVDs at Costco in three months.) You’re not going on dates at interesting restaurants. (Why? You can share a slice of pizza at Costco.) You’re not getting proper eye exams. (Why? The optometrist at Costco is a real optometrist.)

2. Accidentally moving to the South.
This is on my anxiety list every year. What if, through an unfortunate series of events, I woke up and I lived in Arkansas? I would die. I mean, no offense to those who love the South. I know some people love it and I respect that. I just think the chances of anyone in the South wanting to be my friend are extremely low. And I need all the chances I can get.

3. Relatively intelligent overnight radio shows being replaced by shows for truckers.
Oh…eff.

Happy New Year!!!

• Wayne Resnick in for Bill Handel on KFI.
• Rob Marinko with John Phillips in for…Peter Tilden? Doug McIntyre? I guess they’re covering the limbo on KABC. (Btw, Covering the Limbo is the name of my new cover band.)
• Marc Germain in for himself FIVE nights this week on Talk Radio One.
• Brian David Whitman guest starring in A Very Special Wayne Resnick Christmas Special. (Btw, I called it that, not Wayne. Wayne would think of a much clever-er title. Because he’s actually awesome. And talented.)

So if you’re still in the midst of your holiday depression, please know that radio is pulling for you.

xoxo
JMS

I don’t like Christmas cards.

I don’t like Christmas pictures.

I don’t like getting up early to fill in for Bill Handel.

I don’t like parents to ride bikes with their kids.

I don’t like my mother-in-law hanging around the house.

I don’t listen to the Tim Conway, Jr. show so stop telling me I’m stealing his bits.

I don’t like figuring out what to buy my wife for Christmas so I just buy jewelry.

I mean, really. Do we have to be THIS negative? I can’t stand people who are irritated by every little thing.

I hate it SO much when talk radio hosts get put out by the crowds at the mall, the incessant Christmas music, the bothersome nativity scenes outside various city halls, and those stupid peppermint mochas at Starbucks.

Can’t you just let it roll off your back and enjoy the wonderment of the birth of our lord and savior, or the celebration of oil that lasted for eight days, or the honoring of universal African-American heritage and culture?

C’mon people.

P.S. Yes, I do realize I wrote a post complaining about complaining in talk radio. It’s all very meta.

P.P.S. MERRY EVERYTHING! Here’s an annoying picture of me and my family.

So last week whilst I was enjoying a delightful evening at the cinema…

…all of radio went effing nuts.

Terri-Rae Elmer

After like 28 years working at KFI, Terri-Rae Elmer quit. You guys, I’m only 29 years old. That means she’d been working at KFI since I was baby. Crazy.

Red Eye Radio

Um…yeah. So then Doug McIntyre quit Red Eye Radio, an institution he created.

TRD in the morning

Remember the morning show at KFI in the early 90s – TNT in the Morning? Terri-Rae Elmer and Tracey Miller? I would listen to that.

I guess KABC is finally coming around to that idea. And now Terri-Rae and Doug are available so they’ve teamed up to bring us a new KABC morning show called…TRD in the Morning? Seriously? Turd in the Morning??? Okaaaayyyy…

Just kiddin’, I’m sure it’s not called that. And Doug is super fantastic and smart. I’ll definitely check it out.

Question: Does this mean Doug will have to go into KABC every day again? I’m pretty sure he’s been doing Red Eye from his office. Or maybe Terri-Rae will go over to Doug’s place? Sounds cozy.

Peter Tilden

Oh. Right. Um…was that show still on?

About Me

I’m a nice, sweet, easy-going chick who enjoys long walks on the beach and conversations with great friends. I like the Internet and ooTunes and iHeartRadio and RSS feeds. I like not having to click any buttons on a Web page.

I like Twitter and Facebook chat. I’m also really good at creating Facebook groups.

I like people from Omaha, lawyers who wear yellow-tinted glasses, news legends who love ice cream sundaes and kittens equally, people with lap-bands who hate food, women from Orange County who make the best mixed drinks, guys who give The Muppets a perfect 10, fish oil advocates, online researchers, quadriplegics, and black ops.

I recently ended a 23-year relationship with my Internet radio show and I’m ready to start looking again. I will never give up on the possibility of true Internet radio show LOVE.

I’m available SOME weeknights from 8-10pm Pacific. I’ll even make myself available at 7 for the right show.

So message me back if you think we’ll hit it off. xoxo

P.S. I give great back rubs.

That’s from Sonnet 60, in which Shakespeare talks about the passing of time. Seriously – In sequent toil all forwards do contend?!?! Eeeeeffffff, that’s hot.

Well, I’m dumb. So I can’t write about the passing of time like that. I can only write about it as it relates to People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive announcement. Woooooooo! (Think Shakespeare ever wrote woooooooo in one of his sonnets? No? Frankly, I think some of them would have been better for it.)

So…another year, another guy. This year…Bradley Cooper, looking very Ralph Fiennes-in-Quiz Show-esque on the cover of People. I’m in.

That settled…let’s get to the important announcement. The reason you’re all here. The news you’ve been waiting for.

Sexiest Man Alive – Talk Radio Edition

The contenders:

Luke Burbank
I love a guy with a new ‘life plan’ every few days. Only Eat Turkey and Pickles Plan…Drink Tea Not Coffee Plan…No Napping Plan. Adorable. And he listens to NPR. Sexy.

Rob Marinko
Rob was nominated by another dude. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) But yeah, I’d let him drive my car 100mph. (That is not a euphemism.)

Neil Saavedra
If this contest was decided by the votes of my real life friends, Neil would win hands down. For reals. All my friends are in love with Neil. And they’re right – he’s a major stud.

Michael Crozier
Ooofah…that’s good, btw.

Aron Bender
C’mon. Aron ran marathons with asthma AND a deviated septum. He’s like a superhero. Also, he knows everything. Super hot.

But for me, there’s nothing sexier than a man with S-shaped posture, who has a radical gambling jones, who knows every street name in that valley, who orders off the senior menu at IHOP, who takes his daughter to the Gene Autry Museum.

And who also makes me laugh out loud every single night.

Sexiest Man in Talk Radio 2011:  Tim Conway, Jr. 

P.S. If I know you in real life and you’re not on this list, don’t be sad. It’s only because you already know how sexy I think you are.

P.P.S. 2010

P.P.P.S. 2009

When you grow up in southern California, you meet a lot of celebrities. A LOT.

For example, I once saw Ed Begley, Jr. at a play. And another time, I saw a guy who looked kinda like Peter Scolari at Vons in Garden Grove.

So you understand when I tell you that I am not prone to being starstruck.

Imagine then how surprised I was when I found myself acting like a total dork in front of JOHN HODGMAN on Friday night.

Seriously.

It was totally embarrassing. I had planned to be all sophisticated and sexy and all, “Oh, John Hodgman…what a pleasure to see you here. Quite a lovely book. Well done.”

But instead I was like, “Hi. I’m a huge nerd. Now I’m going to say some stuff I’ve heard you say before. Because that never made a situation awkward. And, oh, did I remember to tell you I’m a huge nerd?”

Jennifer Saunders. Dork. That is all.