Five Things I Super Wish Were True

One
I super wish Marc Germain and Gloria Allred had a smoking hot fling the summer when Marc was like 19 and Gloria was like 45. Gloria would give him secret sips of her margarita at Casa Vega and then they would drive over to the Best Western on Sepulveda and the 101 where they would make love and listen to Dr. Demento on the clock radio.

Two
I super wish Bill Carroll caught Robin Bertolucci smuggling illegal perfume and nylons and chocolate into the United States from Canada. And that he promised not to turn her in if she gave him a show on KFI. And also twice a year she has to go back to Canada and stock up on fishnet stockings for Bill’s wife. (And, secretly, for Bill too.)

Three
I super wish Doug McIntyre sits there at night talking to these low-end old men and old women from Alabama and thinks to himself – EFF! I’m an effing graduate of effing Stonehill College and an effing award-winning writer! I’m Doug effing McIntyre! Why do I have to sit here in the middle of the night talking to these dopes?!

Four
I super wish KFI deferred to me in all programming decisions. (Hey, this is my wish list – I can wish for anything I want. Also, I’d like a very painful massage and a glass of unsweetened iced tea. Please.)

Five
I super wish George Noory participated in a totally secret celebrity chess enthusiast chatroom during Coast to Coast. So when he’s talking to Richard C. Hoagland and Linda Moulton Howe, he’s simultaneously IMing with Chris Hardwick and Mo Rocca and the guy from Jane’s Addiction about the Sicilian Defense.

From west of the Rockies

Tonight I’m going to give you a picture of my life. It is neither normal nor cool in any way.

Fair warning.

It started with Christmas cookies. Like any other family, we spent the evening slathering too-drippy icing and pouring multi-colored sprinkles on about 12 dozen cookies.

Pretty ordinary so far.

But were we listening to classic Christmas music? Joy to the World perhaps? No.

How about something more low-end, like Monster Ballads Christmas? Uh, no.

Maybe we were blasting away at each other like we’re on some reality show? Still no.

We were singing…wait for it…the Coast to Coast song. If you’re up at 5:55am every Saturday morning like we are, you know the one…

I turned on my radio
In the middle of the night
And I heard things I need to know
Now I can see the light
And I also see a ghost
‘Cause I’m listening to Coast to Coast

This was quickly followed by my 10-year old demanding I take a stand on Einstein’s theory of relativity. He wanted to know if I believe that every atom is interconnected with every other atom, thereby making a seamless whole, or if I believe there is something faster than light.

To quote the most quotable movie ever made, You’ve Got Mail:

“We are…an American family.”