And then we’re gonna go go go go go go

This is a picture of my son when he was five years old and starting kindergarten. He weighed about 35 pounds.

He was also inordinately curious about stuff. In fact, the first time he met his teacher, this happened…

Teacher: Hi, welcome to kindergarten. What is your name?
Him: My name is Logan. I have a LOT of questions EVERY DAY.

That has always been my favorite parenting moment.

Until this week…

Logan: I have to interview you about September 11 for my Social Studies class.
Me: Why don’t you just listen to that Bill Handel montage they played on Friday?
Logan: Mom. They said I have to interview an adult I TRUST.

Good boy.

Friends, Romans, Countrymen

Or… “He’s already dead. Why do we have to come back after intermission? What else can happen?”

image

You should know that I am typing this post on my cellular phone. And I feel kinda Ernest Hemingway-ish for that. Cuz even though he was a super macho alcoholic, I feel like he would have listened to Leo Laporte and been a major Android enthusiast.

Also you should know that I am currently wearing a denim miniskirt and a black racerback tank top with a regular bra. Classy. But also note that I am at the laundromat. So I totally fit in.

Dressing for one’s environment is an important life lesson. As is behaving according to the customs of your environment.

Having recently been publicly humiliated via Twitter by the Pacific Symphony, I feel like I’m an expert is this now.

(Btw, I think we should call this type of occurrence ‘Twittilation.’)

Last summer the Pacific Symphony dubbed one of its concerts a ‘tweetcert.’ That meant you were encouraged to tweet during the concert and interact with other fans. Good times.

But not allowing myself to be constrained to only one concert…I started tweeting at EVERY concert. Including super fancy ones in the super fancy concert hall.

So yeah. It finally caught up with me at the Fourth of July Elvis concert, wherein the Pacific Symphony replied to my tweets thusly:

@ihearttalkradio We appreciate your tweets! But the real tweetcert is at the July 16 concert with The 5 browns.

Right. So they totally think I’m an uncouth hillbilly now. Awesome.

P.S. I promise I’m not changing the name of this blog to iheartthepacificsymphony.com. It’s still about talk radio.

P.P.S. It is – I mentioned Leo Laporte in this post! That counts.

P.P.P.S. Stay tuned for a delightful reimagining of Julius Caesar in which Bill Handel is Julius Caesar and Gary Hoffmann is Brutus. Only instead of being stabbed 23 times by a gang of conspirators, the morning crew pelts Handel with 23 bagels. WITH cream cheese.

Thus the Name “King of Fruits”

Pineapples were once very rare. I learned that from playing Fruit Ninja. So see…it’s educational.

The search engine terms people use to find this site are usually pretty standard. Here’s a sampling from today:

i heart talk radio
debra mark
lara hermanson fired
kfi rss feed
a very special whitman podcast #5

But sometimes I see a search term that, not only makes me laugh, but makes me want to help. Today it was this:

why does todd say pineapple on bill handel

1. I like it when people ask very specific questions of their search engine.
2. I like it when people recognize an inside joke and want in on it.
3. I like it when I’m already in on it and can help.

So, anonymous reader, here’s the deal. When a person is in Sex Addiction Group Therapy there is a ‘safe’ word. (Stop looking at me like that – I don’t know this from personal experience. Seriously. I learned it from Gary Hoffmann like everyone else. Sheesh!) Anyway, you use the safe word when a fellow addict is sharing a story that is too…uh…stimulating for you. The story stops, everyone takes a deep breath, smokes a couple cigarettes, and eats another donut.

The safe word on the Bill Handel Show is pineapple. So now you know.

P.S. I had to play Fruit Ninja like 10 times before the pineapple fact came up. Also, please don’t judge me by my low-end score. Also, I promise my high score is 314. Also, I think that’s pretty good for a phone. Also, Fruit Ninja is way easier on an iPad. Also, I don’t have an iPad. So please feel sorry for me.

In the bleak midwinter

OK, who’s bored yet? I am. I have…let’s see…NO new podcasts on my iPod. Thank goodness for all the high quality literature I’m reading on my new Kindle. (Shhh…please don’t tell my NerdPR friends I’m reading this crap.)

But I have managed to scrounge up some other holiday recommendations for you guys.

Pretty Good Podcast Christmas Special

What a special treat – gift exchange, holiday songs, Aunt Edna – it doesn’t get better than this. Good job, Randy and Gina!!

Marc Germain back live this week

BTW, remember when Tootie suddenly decided she wanted people to call her by her real name – Dorothy? It didn’t work. Because it’s just weird. That’s how I feel calling Mr. KABC Marc. Just weird.

Anyway, Mr. K, Dan Avey, Dina Losito, even Rob Marinko and Sharon the Gossip Mom, are all back live tonight on Talk Radio One.

KFI fill-in hosts

Gary Hoffman in for Bill Handel in the morning, Wayne Resnick in for Bill Handel in the afternoon, and Tim Conway, Jr. (the sexiest man in talk radio) in for John and Ken. Awesome.

(Do you think we can we get someone to fill in for Bryan Suits?)

Doug McIntyre in for Joe Scarborough

Monday – Wednesday this week 10pm-midnight on KABC. (I think I like these fill-in hosts way better than the originals.)

This American Life – A Very Special Sedaris Christmas

A rerun but enjoyable nonetheless. Some classic David Sedaris Christmas tales, a holiday letter read by Julia Sweeney, and why A Christmas Carol sucks.

Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport.

Or, BAM!

Once upon a time, my friend Michelle and I made plans to drive to Las Vegas to eat at Emeril Lagasse’s restaurant. (Don’t laugh – this was when it was cool to like Emeril. And eat steaks cooked on cedar planks.) We made the mistake of talking about our trip at work and, before we knew it, a co-worker had invited herself to come along.

This chick completely dominated the energy of the entire trip. She insisted on paying for our expensive dinner. Then the next day asked us to pay her back. She shared a bed with me and didn’t even have the decency to wear pants. I mean, we barely knew each other – we were work colleagues, not BFFs!

When we got in the car to drive home, Michelle found the most boring, driest, old manniest talk radio station she could. And we listened to it until we lost the signal.

Talk radio as punishment…awesome.

So you guys know I’ve been listening to Dr. Laura at noon instead of Bill Handel. Purely out of spite.

But just because it’s Christmas – and at Christmas you give bad talk radio shows another chance –  I’ve been listening to the Another Bill Handel Show for the past few days.

It makes me wish someone I barely know or like would go on a road trip with me.

Every Monday-Friday, noon-2:00.