We have to write an essay on Stanley Miles.

When my son was seven years old, he spent his Christmas money on a box set of NASA DVDs. He cherished them, insisting they be kept locked in a fireproof safe when not in use. For months he would tell me, “It was so nice of NASA to make these DVDs!!! I’m just SO thankful!!!”

It’s that kind of simple and innocent gratitude we should all have this time of year.

So in addition to being super thankful to NASA for their totally awesome DVDs, I’m also thankful for…

Jen Andrews from TBTL for writing:  If you don’t get why Harry Potter matters, I would remind you that Dobby is a free elf, that “expelliarmus” is the spell used by someone who knows that love is always the answer, and that Percy can always come home.

Trader Joe’s for the sweet potato fries. And the pumpkin butter.

Steve Martin for joining Twitter and for writing another book. Oh, and for tweeting about Leo Laporte. More than once.

Dina Losito and Barry from Omaha for the alternate show during the show.

Randy Wang and Tim Conway, Jr. for the awesomest promos in talk radio.

My MacBook because…obviously.

Adam Shankman for loving dance.

Kelly Dylla and Suzanne Boxdorfer for making the symphony so much fun this summer. #pstweetcert

Wayne Resnick for taking care of us on holidays. And also, just because.

And, of course, everyone who reads I Heart Talk Radio. You guys are all major studs and hot chicks!

The Prince’s Tale

Seven hundred thirty-five days.

The number of days it takes to become fluent in Spanish?
The number of days it takes to grow a decent garden?
The number of days it takes to clean all the garbage out of your garage?

No. This is the number of days I spent thinking about Severus Snape. Reading and re-reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Until the binding was broken and the pages were wonky. Thanking Mrs. Frydman and Mrs. Zukoski for teaching me about protagonists and symbolism and dénouement. Underlining the crap out of my supporting evidence. Building my case.

A case that I would discuss with anyone of any age at any time in any place. The 50-year old lady that runs the children’s department at Borders. The awkward 12-year old girl at the pool. I didn’t care.

I was entirely confident. I knew exactly how the Harry Potter series would end. Much like the way Brian Whitman sounds more like Tom Leykis than Tom Leykis, I knew better than J.K. Rowling.

I started reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows at 12:45am July 21, 2007. At 4:30pm I read the following…

“But this is touching, Severus,” said Dumbledore seriously. “Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?”

“For him?” shouted Snape. “Expecto Patronum!”

From the tip of his want burst the silver doe…Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.

“After all this time?”

“Always,” said Snape.

Here’s the deal, movie people. Professor Snape is the most important character in the series. I’m not sure if you don’t understand that or if you don’t care.

Harry was always going to be good. Voldemort was always going to be evil. Good was always going to win over evil. It’s all about Snape. And if Snape is not handled properly in this movie tomorrow, I’m going to cry.

Real tears.

*For people who don’t like Harry Potter but do like baby otters. Awwww…

Swing the spinning step

Or, you’re a really good teacher, Harry.

Fair Warning
I am probably going to say some things that sound sexist and unprogressive. I, in no way, mean to disparage men or women.

Please don’t call Gloria Allred, Tammy Bruce, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Gloria Steinem, Hillary Duff, or Taylor Swift.

OK. Here’s a conversation I recently had with my brother…

Him: I can’t listen to Teresa’s news on the Peter Tilden show. It’s so liberal.
Me: She has to have SOME fun.
Him: She wasn’t like that on the Adam Carolla show.
Me:  Well yeah, because she was happier there. She’d rather be with Adam but she has a strong work ethic and an obligation to her family to make money, so she takes the job with Peter Tilden that pays money, even though it’s not what she wants to do. So to make it bearable, she gives a liberal slant to the news. It’s for her. It gives her some pleasure in that depression city that is KABC. Get it?
Him: Wow.
Me: It’s just like Cho Chang and her complex feelings.

No idea what I’m talking about? C’mon people…Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? It was like two movies ago.

Alright fine. I’ve transcribed the scene for you. Set-up info: Harry and Cho Chang kissed at the end of Dumbledore’s Army practice. Cho was crying.

Hermione: Don’t you understand how she must be feeling?
Ron/Harry: (Blank, clueless faces.)
Hermione: Obviously she’s feeling sad about Cedric, confused about liking Harry, guilty about kissing him, conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mom from her job at the Ministry, frightened of failing her O.W.L.s because she’s so busy worrying about everything else.

See? It’s totally the same thing.

So, yeah. I’m the brand new Hermione Granger. Look at me.

Bill Handel is the brand new Henry VIII

If you thought comparing Dr. Laura to Professor Trelawney was crazy, wait until you read this…

Or, everything I know about King Henry VIII I learned from The Tudors.

Just kidding, I only saw the first season of The Tudors and it wasn’t too heavy on facts. However, it did do one thing well – encapsulate the enormous ego of Henry VIII in Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Henry VIII was famous for his dynamic personality. Even as a child people were drawn to him. He was affable and beautiful and sociable. He made people feel special in his presence. He had a sparkle. Today we would call him Bill Clintony.

Of course we know he also had a dark side. A side (controlled by that major ego) that allowed him to believe himself equal to God and, oh nothing, have a couple of his wives killed – Anne Boleyn and Katherine Howard.

You have to admire Anne Boleyn. Sure, she stole a good woman’s man, but for eleven years she walked the extremely fine line of holding the kings interest – stroking his ego, giving just enough but not too much, keeping him engaged, and bending his will to match her own.

If we can accept the theory that Bill Handel’s ego is as big as Henry VIII’s (obviously), Michelle Kube is way better than Anne. She’s like Anne without the ambition. She knows how to strike the balance between control and subservience.

Lara Hermanson? She’s Katherine Howard. Young, dynamic, attractive but too independent. After awhile she didn’t curtsy when Bill came in the room. She was off having a romp with other dudes, metaphorically speaking. And the result was not pretty.

So, sorry, Hanna. You are a mistress. Intriguing His Grace at first, but one slip of the tongue and you’re out of favor. If you want to return to the king’s good graces, study Michelle, the one for whom no equal archetype exists.

Thus concludes lesson one in my course - Tudor Society and Modern Radio. Stay tuned for lesson two - Queen Elizabeth I vs. Dina Losito: Who would win in a fight?

I’m not worried, Harry. I am with you.

In honor of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, I listened to episode 175 of MuggleCast. You have to admire a bunch of high schoolers (they’re in college now) who created and maintain a sophisticated website and podcast with an annual revenue (according to Wikipedia) of over $100,000.

OK, so they read some really (Seriously. REALLY) bad and embarrassing fan fic. (Please, Ron walked out on Hermione so she’s hooking up with Malfoy? Right.) To their credit, they didn’t write it – they just read it.

But they also discussed whether Dumbledore would have been attracted to Jamie Campbell Bower. So they really hit it with the hard HP news.

DON’T CALL ME COWARD!

P.S. Please spoiler alert me if you’re going to email about the movie. I can’t see it until tomorrow!