KABC News: Eh, we never said we were that into it.

You know how when you’re reading The New York Times on Monday morning and they’re like -

An Italian cruise ship ran aground on Friday. We were kinda busy this weekend so that’s like all we know now. If you want more information, maybe you can come back later today or tomorrow or something?

Well, probably more like tomorrow afternoon because, you know, today is Monday. And I HATE Mondays.

So….I’ll probably be able to get some more details on this boat thing like mid-morning Tuesday? And then right after lunch I’ll type somethin’ up for ya. Mkay?

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you want to know more RIGHT NOW (sheesh!) you could read another newspaper or online news site. I suppose some of their reporters have like NO life and spent time over the weekend actually monitoring this story.

But c’mon, it’s not like we’re a NEWSpaper or anything….. Oh….right.

Okay, fine. How ’bout some Golden Globes news then? Well, Ricky Jervayis was the host….or, something like that anyway. You can’t honestly expect me to know how to spell his name. I told you -

I-was-bus-y-this-week-end.

No? That’s not how The New York Times covered these events? How odd. I just thought since they’re a news source and KABC is supposedly a news source, they’d have a similar work ethic. Apparently not.

Terri-Rae Elmer revealed on air that this morning was her first time seeing the shipwreck pictures. She also had no idea how to pronounce Ricky Gervais’ name.

Seriously, T-Rae? I thought you were supposed to be the news anchor. The big-shot KFI news anchor that brings all the credibility and listeners and awards and stuff. And you’re not even TRYING to be good at your new job?!

That is bullshit.

P.S. Please forgive my un-ladylike language.

P.P.S. Doug, you’re a big stud. Sorry.

Silver, he is Jack Silver

Where: KABC Studios, Los Angeles, California

When: Three weeks ago

Jack: SCORE!! We bagged a KFI news chick!! We’re gonna be HUGE!

Jack: OK, give it to me – what ya got?

Terri-Rae: What do you mean? I worked at KFI for 28 years. KFI news is one of the most successful and respected news departments in all media.

Jack: Yeah, yeah, that’s neat. But what’s your gag, your gimmick, your affectation, your fake name… C’mon, give me something to work with here.

Terri-Rae: Well…when John would say something gross I would say ‘ewwwwwww.’ Is that what you mean?

Jack: That’s good, that’s good. But we need to tweak it, make it more KABC and less KFI. Thinking, thinking, thinking…. I’ve got it!!! Instead of ‘ewwwwwww’ you go ‘ohhhhhhhhh.’ It’s RADIO GOLD!

And….scene.

Never had to have a chaperone, no sir.

Alright studs. Let’s do this thing.

So last week whilst I was enjoying a delightful evening at the cinema…

…all of radio went effing nuts.

Terri-Rae Elmer

After like 28 years working at KFI, Terri-Rae Elmer quit. You guys, I’m only 29 years old. That means she’d been working at KFI since I was baby. Crazy.

Red Eye Radio

Um…yeah. So then Doug McIntyre quit Red Eye Radio, an institution he created.

TRD in the morning

Remember the morning show at KFI in the early 90s – TNT in the Morning? Terri-Rae Elmer and Tracey Miller? I would listen to that.

I guess KABC is finally coming around to that idea. And now Terri-Rae and Doug are available so they’ve teamed up to bring us a new KABC morning show called…TRD in the Morning? Seriously? Turd in the Morning??? Okaaaayyyy…

Just kiddin’, I’m sure it’s not called that. And Doug is super fantastic and smart. I’ll definitely check it out.

Question: Does this mean Doug will have to go into KABC every day again? I’m pretty sure he’s been doing Red Eye from his office. Or maybe Terri-Rae will go over to Doug’s place? Sounds cozy.

Peter Tilden

Oh. Right. Um…was that show still on?

Peter Tilden is not Howard Stern. And you can’t convince me otherwise.

In case you were wondering why Teresa Strasser is no longer on the KABC morning show with Peter Tilden, listen to the 8/24/11 episode of the Adam Carolla Show.

This is a one-on-one episode, just Adam and Teresa. So if you hate Dawson and think Bald Bryan is an idiot, don’t worry. They’re not on it.

If you think Adam is a tool and you don’t want to listen at all, here’s the takeaway message…

Teresa is a mom with a young child. It’s hard to wake up at 4:30. And it sucks not being able to see your kid in the morning.

You know that scene near the end of Bridget Jones’ Diary when Bridget realizes she loves Mark mere moments before she discovers Mark is engaged and moving to America? She shouts in front of everyone -

No! No!

Then, embarrassed, she’s like -

It’s such a terrible pity…for England…to lose such a great legal brain.

This situation is exactly like that. It’s such a terrible pity for Los Angeles to lose such a great talk radio brain.

P.S. OK, fine. The Teresa thing is only a little like the Mark Darcy thing.

P.P.S. But you should read her book. Read everything she writes. Teresa is a fantastic writer and I ardently admire her.

Swing the spinning step

Or, you’re a really good teacher, Harry.

Fair Warning
I am probably going to say some things that sound sexist and unprogressive. I, in no way, mean to disparage men or women.

Please don’t call Gloria Allred, Tammy Bruce, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Gloria Steinem, Hillary Duff, or Taylor Swift.

OK. Here’s a conversation I recently had with my brother…

Him: I can’t listen to Teresa’s news on the Peter Tilden show. It’s so liberal.
Me: She has to have SOME fun.
Him: She wasn’t like that on the Adam Carolla show.
Me:  Well yeah, because she was happier there. She’d rather be with Adam but she has a strong work ethic and an obligation to her family to make money, so she takes the job with Peter Tilden that pays money, even though it’s not what she wants to do. So to make it bearable, she gives a liberal slant to the news. It’s for her. It gives her some pleasure in that depression city that is KABC. Get it?
Him: Wow.
Me: It’s just like Cho Chang and her complex feelings.

No idea what I’m talking about? C’mon people…Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? It was like two movies ago.

Alright fine. I’ve transcribed the scene for you. Set-up info: Harry and Cho Chang kissed at the end of Dumbledore’s Army practice. Cho was crying.

Hermione: Don’t you understand how she must be feeling?
Ron/Harry: (Blank, clueless faces.)
Hermione: Obviously she’s feeling sad about Cedric, confused about liking Harry, guilty about kissing him, conflicted because Umbridge is threatening to sack her mom from her job at the Ministry, frightened of failing her O.W.L.s because she’s so busy worrying about everything else.

See? It’s totally the same thing.

So, yeah. I’m the brand new Hermione Granger. Look at me.

FHF FAQ II

Did Frosty, Heidi and Frank get fired?

Yes. Well, their contract at KABC was not renewed. Their last show aired 9/24/10.

What happened to Frosty?

Frosty decided to ‘retire’ and part ways with Heidi and Frank. Supposedly, he’s moving to Denver.

What happened to the KABC iTunes feed?

They shut that thing down super fast.

Where’s the final show podcast?!?!?!?!?!?!?

You can download it here. But hurry up…no telling how long KABC will leave it up.

Where can I find the last week’s KABC shows?

I have them. Blind drop. Trader Joe’s Studio City. You drop 30 large behind the Greek yogurt. The 2% kind. No, not the goat’s milk kind, the plain cow’s milk Greek yogurt. 2%. I’ll drop the flash drive. Sorry…I think I’ve been watching too much Breaking Bad…

For now, you can download the KABC shows here. But still – hurry up!

So what now?

Listen to Heidi and Frank live every day 10-12 on www.heidiandfrank.com for free. You can also become a VIP for about $5/month to access podcasts, videos and other extra stuff. Show starts 10/4/10.

What do you mean I have to pay?

Frank’s got a kid, Heidi needs more jeans, vests and hats.

I hate everyone who won’t pay for the Heidi and Frank Show VIP pass.

That’s technically not a question. But I hope Heidi and Frank get tons of subscribers.

I truly wish Frosty, Heidi and Frank the best of luck. Always.

Charles Kuralt, CBC Evening News

Fermat’s Last Theorem of Talk Radio

“Big” KABC announcement: Larry Elder returns to KABC 9-12, replacing Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

“Other” KABC announcement: Mr. KABC, Al Rantel and Bob Brinker return to KABC.

OK, so…yeah…technically, I was wrong. Technically. But I don’t think I was that wrong.

Here’s why…

  • Two of the people on my list – Mr. KABC and Al Rantel – are returning to KABC, just not in the 9-12 slot.
  • The return of Larry Elder satisfies the basic theme of my predictions – bringing back an ex-KABC host.

And seriously, let’s not discount the very real possibility that Jack Silver read my post and thought:

“Yeah, bringing back an ex-KABC host would be cool! Great idea! But I’d better not fulfill her predictions exactly. Too obvious. Who else used to work at this station? Larry Elder? Great! Call him and let’s get back to the cooch* talk! What?! KABC doesn’t do cooch talk?! I don’t understand. What am I doing here?”

*I can’t believe I actually typed that word AND googled it because I was unsure of its spelling.**

**Turns out asterisks are addicting.***

***Off to find an AA**** meeting.

****Asterisks Anonymous. Duh!

You know the drill

“Big” KABC announcement today at 2:00. Anyone planning on listening*? Email me? Please? Thanks. :)

*In case you’re confused, it’s not a requirement that you don’t have both of your original hips to listen to KABC, just to work there. Though I’m pretty sure the original hips to non-original hips ratio for listeners is pretty heavy on the non-original hips side as well.**

**This is a joke. No offense intended toward any KABC employee or listener. You all are young, hip*** and happening in far out, groovy ways.

***Hip. Get it? This is just an example of some of the laughs we have around here.****

****This is a lame pun combined with a reference to The Office’s (BBC version) David Brent.*****

*****Is there a rule as to the number of asterisks you can use in a single post? I’m afraid I have exceeded the limit. Must go to work now, where I will likely use no asterisks. But lots of em dashes.

Get ready to lay a card down

A very bullet-y post…

But hey – you get a free cap if you pay in advance for a year. Woooo – I love free caps!!!

Membership Dees-tails…$49.95/yr or $4.95 month

For me – sorry guys, it’s been a great 10 years.

From The Heidi & Frank Show Facebook page…


The Heidi & Frank Show ‎$5 a month ain’t bad Max! And yes, to podcast you’ll need to be a VIP.