What makes the clocks blink 12am?

Or, Occam’s Razor.

I’m not good at a lot of things.

I’m a bad gardener – I always forget to water the plants. I’m bad at directions – I need Google Maps AND a GPS to find anything. I’m a bad camper – I don’t like being dirty, I don’t like those stupid chairs, and I always get lost without remembering to bring with me a flashlight full of beans. And, as my son will tell you, I’m bad at quantum physics. (Seriously, how am I supposed to know that Newton’s Laws don’t apply at the quantum level???)

But one (admittedly, pathetic) thing I’m pretty good at is predicting the programming changes in talk radio.

So…now that Frosty, Heidi and Frank are fired, the next question is:  Who will replace them?

Here are my predictions, in order of likely-ness.

#1 Mr. KABC

He’s the one who has been doing the most fill-in work on the station lately, he’s good, he works cheap, he’s a beloved Southern California radio icon. And his NAME is, like, Mr. KABC. That has to mean something.

Oh…and…on Friday night he got all vasovagal-y when Sharon the Gossip Mom brought up the possibility.

#2 John Phillips

Boring. Boring. Boring. But KABC seems to love love love putting him in that 9-12 slot.

(Yes, I realize this would leave another empty time slot. But I can’t be in charge of every time slot right now. Maybe after I catch up on Mad Men.)

#3 Al Rantel

Kind of a dream choice. I have no idea if he’s ready to come back to work full-time. But he sure sounds good on those Natren Healthy Trinity commercials.

#4 Re-shuffle of the schedule where one of the above is hired, but in a different time slot.

Putting this option on the list because I learned from Tim Conway, Jr. you gotta box that trifecta, maan. (I’m not exactly sure what that means but I think it applies here??)

#5 Infomercial or some lame nationally-syndicated show

This might actually be more likely than #5 but I refuse to put it higher on the list. This option would make me forget that KABC was ever a station.

1981

Or, when I was a kid, chicken nuggets weren’t invented.

So yeah, we were totally deprived. We had no chicken nuggets and no selection of delicious dipping sauces. No gallons of Ranch dressing as available as tap water.

We had fish sticks. And ketchup.

But guess what – we looooved fish sticks and ketchup, especially if it was served with a side of Kraft macaroni and cheese. We couldn’t get enough of the stuff.

Us: What’s for dinnerrrrrr?

Mom: Beef stroganoff.

Us: Grosssss! Can’t we just have fish sticks????

Mom: You know the fish sticks are only for when the babysitter is coming.

Us: Can the babysitter come tonight?

Mom: Go play outside.

That’s the way life was pre-chicken nugget, pre-cable TV (OK, that was invented but our neighborhood didn’t have it), pre-Internet, pre-online shopping, pre-Netflix Watch Instantly, pre-Facebook, pre-Prius, pre-amazon.com, pre-iPad, pre-podcast.

All we could hope to dream for was chicken nuggets – because we didn’t know any better.

But now it’s 2010 and we’re grownups. We’ve moved past fish sticks and ketchup and now we want seared ahi and roasted artichoke hearts and grilled vegetables – all of them – zucchini, yellow squash, eggplant, red bell peppers, red onions, asparagus, broccoli, carrots…everything. All of it locally-grown and organic. (Duh!)

And there are restaurants more than happy to give us what we want. And those restaurants are crowded. Every. Single. Night.

So here’s the deal, KABC…

John Phillips=fish sticks

Nationally-syndicated show=fish sticks

Infomercial show=worse than fish sticks…maybe like…cat food

Al Rantel=seared ahi

Mr. KABC=seared ahi

Pleeeeeease, KABC, give us something good. We aren’t the un-sophisticated, inexperienced, low-enders we used to be.

We know better now.

Labor Day? More like Super Awesome Day

So what are you doing tomorrow? Sleeping in? Going to the beach? Partying with your cousins? Neighborhood barbecue and last-minute haircuts and back to school shopping?

Well this is what I’m doing and what you should do too, if you want to be cool like me.

What? I’m cool. I’m not a repressed English major who spends too much time listening to talk radio and not enough time getting her belly button pierced and going to Cancun. Sheesh!

So tomorrow…

5-9am  Wayne Resnick fills in for Bill Handel on KFI

9-12pm  Marc Germain fills in for Frosty, Heidi and Frank on KABC

12-3pm  Um…I don’t know. Bill Carroll’s on for an extra hour on KFI if you’re into him. I’ll probably read by the pool.

3-7pm  Conway and Steckler fill in for John and Ken on KFI

7pm-bedtime  It’s all about Don Draper, Dexter Morgan and Mikael Blomkvist.

Oh, and probably a little chocolate with sea salt. And wine.

Society for creative anachronism

One year ago all I wanted was for Frosty, Heidi, and Frank to be back on the radio. That’s not hyperbole – it was ALL I wanted.

Today – five months after they started at KABC – I feel kinda sorry for them.

It seems like every person who worked at KLSX – from Adam Carolla on down – is living their broadcasting dream. They’re on the cutting edge of talk radio technology with podcasts and live shows and Internet radio stations. They ARE the future of talk radio.

It’s like if, when you were a kid, everyone on your street had a brand-new hovercraft and your dad bought a new Cadillac. Sure, it’s new. And nice. And it’ll get you where you’re going. But for how long? Eventually the gas stations and freeways will disappear. And you’ll be stuck in that hot box.

So I can’t help but wonder (sorry for stealing that transition, Carrie Bradshaw), WHY do Frosty, Heidi, and Frank work at KABC? It’s so weird. I’ve tried to embrace it. I certainly support them.

But I can’t ignore it anymore. They don’t belong there. And I feel like I want to rescue them. Immediately.

(Of course…unlike the hovercrafters, they are actually getting paid…)

Chris, Carmen, Debra, Hanna

Lovers

So after like four years of carefully concealing the names of their life partners, both Frank and Heidi have accidentally revealed their true names.

In case you missed it…

Farty=Carmen (Or, as Frank said – her name’s Carmen, you em effers)

The Italian=Chris (For some reason, I think I already knew this?)

Hot Mom News Chicks

I just learned that Debra Mark was a single mom. How did I not know this?!

So who’s hotter? Debra Mark or the over-the-top-trying-to-be-sexy Hanna Scott?

Debra

Hanna

(Um, why does this post have no title?)

So since I’ve been busy being a super sexy single mom on a budget, in a Mad Men-Dexter-Californication coma and reading yet ANOTHER book about the wives of Henry VIII, I’ve missed blogging about some of the important talk radio news.

The Another Bill Handel Show Flames Out

Hahaha

OK, that was childish. But seriously, that show got boring-er and boring-er every day it aired. And it started out pretty boring.

Return of Doug McIntyre’s Red Eye Radio

RER is a talk radio institution. Finding the podcast, however, took a little digging. Here’s the feed. (Copy the URL; go to iTunes; go to Advanced > Subscribe to Podcast; Paste the URL; click OK)

ACE Broadcasting Network

Loving the Parent Experiment with Teresa Strasser and Lynette Carolla. I’ll likely not listen to Car Cast, Spider and the Henchman, Daves of Thunder, et al. but I think it’s AWESOME that they exist. Go Adam.

We eat what we can and what we can’t we can

Or, the oldest news that’s fit to print.

OK, these recommendations aren’t exactly breaking news. But what’s a few days or weeks amongst friends? That’s why God  invented podcasts and online news archives. (No no, Al Gore only invented the Internet. I’m pretty sure God is responsible for everything else.)

Rob Marinko – If you have a major Rob Marinko jones, listen to the 11/24/09 episode of the Marc Germain show on Talk Radio One. Rob and Marc were in Las Vegas together (yes, AGAIN) and Rob sat in for a bit.

Frosty Stilwell – If you can’t let Thanksgiving pass without hearing Frosty’s infamous Thanksgiving joke, listen to the 11/30/09 episode of the KABC show. (BTW if you still can’t figure out how to listen to the KABC show online, see this compendium.)

Doug McIntyre – If you’re a little bit in love with Doug McIntyre, newspapers, and/or the English language, read his LA Daily News column.

I think I’ve exhausted my old man radio suggestions for today. I have to go watch Charles Kuralt now.

Uhhh… potpourri

Frosty, Heidi and Frank

Loved the KABC show, loved the FHFU right after. Love, love, love.

Oh, and if you are trying to listen on your iPhone or iPod Touch, KABC makes it really easy. Just open your browser and go to iphone.kabc.com. No app, nothing to download. I listened like this yesterday and it was perfect. No buffering or disconnecting.

Looking for podcasts? Yeah, they’re not up yet. I told you KABC had a very casual attitude toward their on demand section. I do see Peter Tilden podcasts and he hasn’t been there very long, so hopefully FHF will be up soon.

Good news! The podcasts are up. Subscribe to the RSS feed or download them from the website.

Jodi Becker

Jodi was on the Bill Handel show this morning in the 5:00 hour to talk about her lover, Brett Favre. Jodi’s the best. Well, not as good as Laura Ingle, but a close second. (No, not Half-Pint. That’s Laura Ingalls.)

Luke Burbank

Who? I listened to a new podcast last weekend and it was good. Imagine that! Look for a more detailed review soon.

FHF FAQ

Or, a comprehensive guide to Frosty, Heidi and Frank.

What’s happening with FHF?

They are moving to KABC 790AM in Los Angeles. Starting Monday, October 5, you can hear them Monday-Friday 9am-12pm. Unless the Dodgers are playing a day game and the time conflicts. (Do they still have midweek day games?)

What about FHFU?

The uncensored podcast will continue. Recording Monday-Friday 12pm-1pm. Posting? I don’t know, hopefully soon after.

But I don’t live in Los Angeles. How can I hear the KABC show?

You can stream the show on www.kabc.com.

You can listen on your iPhone or iPod Touch using this app - ooTunes – or directly from KABC.

You can download the podcasts. (Good news! The podcasts are up. Subscribe to the RSS feed or download them from the website.)

I’m working from 9am-12pm. How can I hear the KABC show?

Look at you with that job, maan! See above. Or buy this radio - it’s small enough to fit in your pocket. Your boss will never know.

But that’s when I listen to Rush Limbaugh!

That’s OK, just text these phrases to yourself. You can carry Rush with you everywhere you go.

Mega dittos!

Talent on loan from God

In my formerly nicotine-stained fingers…

(crumple, crumple, crumple)

The Rev-rand Jack-sonnnnnn

Obama sucks!

Clinton sucks!

Every Republican is awesome!

What did you say, Snerdley?

I used to listen to FHF on my lunch break. What should I do?

You should get to work at 6am. Then you can take your lunch from 11am-12pm and go home at 3pm. Sweet – just in time for Oprah!

I live in San Juan Capistrano and KABC doesn’t come in very well in my car.

I know, I had the same problem when I lived in Oceanside. You can either try buying a new car, or you’ll have to go the streaming/podcasting/iPhone route. Or move.

The guy who installed my car radio messed up and now AM stations don’t come in.

That sucks! How are you coping without six hours of Bill Handel a day?! You’ll have to find someone to fix it. Or just buy a new car. AM radio is important.

Can I stream the KABC show online?

Yes!

Will there be podcasts of the KABC show?

Yes! (I think so.) KABC hasn’t always been very timely about posting podcasts in the past, but I’m sure Frank will put an end to that negligence.

Can I subscribe to the KABC podcasts on iTunes?

Yes! Good news! The podcasts are up. Subscribe to the RSS feed or download them from the website.

Do I have to subscribe to FHFU separately?

Probably. If you already subscribe to FHFU, don’t delete it. I don’t think KABC wants to be associated with the uncensored show.

This is all very interesting, but who are Frosty, Heidi and Frank?

Umm…just read their wikipedia page.

Happy Frosty, Heidi and Frank Day!!

Talk Radio 790 KABC