Deespression, maaaaan

So I have a lot of rules self-imposed on myself. And one of them is to not use the phrase, “self-imposed on myself.”

Starting over…

So I have a lot of rules I’ve imposed on myself, mainly to do with avoiding slipping into a radical depression.

For example, I can’t go to a restaurant on Mother’s Day. Inevitably, you’ll see an elderly mother with freshly set curls, wearing her church clothes, sitting in that booth across from her deadbeat, dirty-jeans-wearing, greasy-hair-having middle-aged son. They’re just sitting there. Staring at each other. Like strangers.

Well, not exactly like strangers.

The mom is more like – I did not raise my boy to be a marginally employed, thrice-divorced, kinda gross and creepy man with a history of drug abuse.

And the dude is like – My mom has never understood me. I can’t work. I’m disabled. I slipped and fell at an amusement park 10 years ago. How am I supposed to work? Plus I’m busy every day. I have to walk around the city collecting aluminum cans and scrap metal from dumpsters. That ess pays good money. And another thing, my buddy Nugget is about to get me a job via his boss Snake.

And then, of course, the mom ends up paying for her own Mother’s Day lunch because the son swears he’s gonna pay her back on payday. Which, of course, never comes.

Umm…sorry about that.

What I really meant to tell you was that I made an important decision on Saturday night. I decided I can no longer allow KFI to cause or affect my level of depression.

I can’t really think of anything worse on a Saturday night than sitting around listening to Bryan Suits talk about war for three hours. But that’s what KFI insists on throwing at us.

I’m out. I can’t do it. So from now until KFI gets it together and moves Wayne Resnick back to his home time slot, KFI does not exist to me on Saturdays 7-10pm.

I’ll be out dancing at the Red Onion. Woooooooooooooooo!!!!!

(What? People don’t still go out dancing at the Red Onion? Hmpf.)

Secure the Blessings of Liberty

So…John and Ken got suspended for referring to Whitney Houston as a “crack ho” on their show yesterday.

Pretty sure calling a dead woman a crack ho is cheap and tasteless and not terribly creative.

Also pretty sure calling a dead woman a crack ho is protected free speech.

But fine, whatever. Clear Channel can suspend whomever they want for whatever reason.

Two things though:

1. Radio stations being owned by major media conglomerates – bad idea. Because it’s not just KFI that gets to decide what’s best for its station and its talk show hosts. It’s Clear Channel that ultimately makes those decisions. And that seems bad. Look, I’m dumb. I can’t explain this point well. If you’re friends with Wayne Resnick or Barry from Omaha, you should talk to them. They’re smart. They’d be able to break it down.

2. KFI and the John and Ken Show only benefit from the suspension. John and Ken get an unexpected 10-day vacation. KFI gets to Tweet stuff like – JOHN AND KEN SUSPENDED with links to their website, which drives more page views and more revenue.

So in conclusion, this whole thing is over-hyped, totally phony, and pretty lame.

#crackhosunite

P.S. Like Rob Marinko, sometimes I do my best work on Facebook.

Never had to have a chaperone, no sir.

Alright studs. Let’s do this thing.

So last week whilst I was enjoying a delightful evening at the cinema…

…all of radio went effing nuts.

Terri-Rae Elmer

After like 28 years working at KFI, Terri-Rae Elmer quit. You guys, I’m only 29 years old. That means she’d been working at KFI since I was baby. Crazy.

Red Eye Radio

Um…yeah. So then Doug McIntyre quit Red Eye Radio, an institution he created.

TRD in the morning

Remember the morning show at KFI in the early 90s – TNT in the Morning? Terri-Rae Elmer and Tracey Miller? I would listen to that.

I guess KABC is finally coming around to that idea. And now Terri-Rae and Doug are available so they’ve teamed up to bring us a new KABC morning show called…TRD in the Morning? Seriously? Turd in the Morning??? Okaaaayyyy…

Just kiddin’, I’m sure it’s not called that. And Doug is super fantastic and smart. I’ll definitely check it out.

Question: Does this mean Doug will have to go into KABC every day again? I’m pretty sure he’s been doing Red Eye from his office. Or maybe Terri-Rae will go over to Doug’s place? Sounds cozy.

Peter Tilden

Oh. Right. Um…was that show still on?

Being Winnie Cooper

I’m not one of these chicks who pretends to be dumb at math. I can add stuff, I know what an isosceles triangle is, and I know that if something costs $10.77 and I give the cashier $11.02, I’m getting a quarter back.

But also, I sometimes make poor financial decisions. For example, one time I bought dark, dark red nail polish instead of lunch because I thought the nail polish would have a bigger effect on my well-being. Turns out I was just a girl with blood red fingernails. Who was also hungry.

Another time I emptied my emergency fund to buy the fancy MacBook on which I am currently typing this blog post. Some people would call that irresponsible. To them I say – HA! I didn’t have an emergency! But I do have a cool computer! So there!!!

Oh yeah, and one more. I didn’t get renter’s insurance until there was a wildfire LITERALLY half a mile from my house. Seriously.

So yeah. I have no problem admitting when I’m confused about money. I’m very confused right now and I need your help.

Explain to me how a company that sells HUMMUS can afford to spend however many thousands of dollars on radio ads at KFI? During drive time. It’s like non-stop car dealer and hummus dealer commercials every afternoon. Does that make sense?

How much does this hummus cost? It’s gotta be under $10, right? I mean, it’s just garbanzo beans, tahini, garlic, and lemon, yeah?

Or…do you think it’s possible that hummus costs as much as a car???

Help!

P.S. Here’s proof that I’m not super stupid.

From a night printing press manager out in Burbank

I often say that the moment of my life in which I felt the most proud of another human being was when Neville killed Nagini in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Hey, stop it! I am not a loser! Or a nerd! Hmpf.)

Today I feel a similar kind of proudness pride about Mr. Randy Wang.

Not only did LAist write an awesome article about the wild popularity of The Pretty Good Podcast, but Randy has also been honored with the privilege of possessing his very own blog on the KFI website.

This is super awesome. Because now Randy is rubbing pixels with tons of KFI superstars! People like Michelle Kube, Steve Gregory, and Wayne Resnick’s cat!

Congratulations, Randy – you’re a big effing STUD!

P.S. If you want to hear a real low-energy Randy Wang (erstwhile Ryan Wong) and you have a deep, DEEP Conway and Whitman podcast library, listen to the 10/18/06 segment entitled, “The Bloggers and the Homeless.”

P.P.S. I would like someone to please write a short story, or perhaps a one-act play, of the same title. Thank you for your artistry. You are very kind.

P.P.P.S. In that same segment, you will also be treated to the story of Brian Whitman and the Homeless Hotel Rental. Again…one-act play fodder. Go!

P.P.P.P.S. Brian, you are not allowed to listen to it. I don’t want to unnecessarily upset you by forcing you to reminisce about your American Express black card.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Rubbing Pixels is the name of my new band. We do covers of autotuned talk radio segments. Yeah, we’re gonna be SUPER famous!

If you call and I’m not home, I’ll be at the gym or the gun club.

Hello, Jack? I’m Annette.

Some of you have wondered why I’ve been so generous and complimentary lately. You’re like – What’s going on with you? You seem so happy. Did you get a new kitten? Are you pregnant? Are you in love? And I’m all – No…I don’t think so…and no.

So lest you think I’ve become too soft, here’s a list of people who are doing it wrong.

Heidi and Frank – They open the show with various songs that have two things in common. They’re super long and they’re super annoying. Actually, the entire show is filled with terrible music.

Pretty Good Podcast – Sorry, Randy. I’m totally glad you have a girlfriend. Will you please just call her your girlfriend? Or at least make up a new, normal name for her? Something like Rachel or Emily or Brooke? I mean, I get the Apollonia significance, but c’mon. Unless you’re actually Prince, you can’t call your girl Apollonia.

KFI – Alright, we’ve had our Frosty trial. Enough. He’s not getting better. He’s getting worse.

Cockles and Mussels

Hi.

In my last post I called newsman Aron Bender ‘sweet and vulnerable.’ That’s totally true. But I forgot a few things. (What?! I’m sorry! I was having trouble adjusting to all this lame sunlight we get during Daylight Saving Time. Pfft. Sun. Who needs it?)

So Bender…(in addition to being sweet and vulnerable) you are a major, major stud.

If I actually knew you and I had like…a jar of Peppadew peppers that I couldn’t open, I would totally ask you to open it for me. This confident am I in your massive masculine strength.

Also, I’m sure you’ve made out in cars with tons of chicks. (Before you were married, OF COURSE.) You know how to work that – I’m sweet and vulnerable, ‘talk nerdy to me,’ but also super effing hot – vibe.

There you go. Makes the News Bender sound way sexier, right?

Wondering where I am lost without you

During times of world crisis, I never watch TV. I don’t read newspapers. I don’t listen to Ryan Seacrest. I don’t sit on my front stoop in my dressing gown and curlers talking indiscriminately to passersby. And I don’t crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. (OK, sometimes I do that. Stop spying on me.)

I listen to KFI.

I listen to KFI because they have BY FAR the best news department in California. They make me feel informed and safe and looked after.

Today, I’m in love with all these studs.

Eric Leonard – I don’t care if you’re elitist and difficult and scary and untouchable. You ARE KFI news. I remember when I was like 24 and you were like 22 and you were the first one to every crime scene and news story. That was super hot.

Steve Gregory – Yes, I called your newscast adorable the other night. I didn’t mean it condescendingly. You’re a totally bad ass news dude with a huge wang bullet-proof vest. But it was kinda cute hearing you try to say ‘KFI News’ without saying KFI NEWS.

Aron Bender – Oh, Bender… I love your tweets. And I love that you don’t try to act tough in front of Tim. So vulnerable and sweet. It’s true…if it weren’t for the show, you two would have never met. Also, you have the cutest glasses of all the news guys.

Gary Hoffmann – Superfluous Ns aside, I love you mostly for busting Handel’s balls. And also because you pretend you’re too good for everyone. You gotta admire that level of pretention. (Also, I’ve met Gary. And…eh…his forehead’s fine.)

Laura Ingle – OK, I know you don’t work at KFI anymore. But I never had the chance to tell you – you’re amazing. Super tough and AWESOME news chick. I still think about your coverage of the Scott Peterson trial and the day you recounted Sharon Rocha’s testimony during the penalty phase. You cried. I cried. We were lucky to have you.

Spectacular Festival Pageant of Nighttime Magic and Imagination

Here’s a scene from my Pre-Timmy Time life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. Hm. Tim’s coming on soon. Let me just finish this episode of House Hunters/wash these dishes/organize my earrings/look up the lyrics to the Raveonettes’ You Want the Candy online and I’ll catch TCJ in a bit.

Here’s a scene from my Timmy Time (long edition) life…

Me: Oh, 7:01. (To everyone who happens to be in my house or car…) TIMMY TIME – FOUR MINUTES!!!!! Turn on KFI/turn up volume/tell friends and family to please shut up and get ready to sing.

And then.

Similar to that initial low, bassy, electronic vacuum-sounding buzz that kicks of the Main Street Electrical Parade composition, the opening notes of Timmy Time are evocative and pregnant with verisimilitude.

Everyone becomes instantly enchanted and mesmerized. Then we sing. And dance. And celebrate. And we listen to KFI for three straight hours.

Timmy Time is important. We need it back. It’s a celebration of community and humanity and freedom.

It’s America. In the best way possible.

P.S. If you believe in America, please LIKE – Bring Back the LONG Timmy Time Theme on the Tim Conway, Jr. Show. Thanks. You’re a huge stud.

Confessions of a Talk Radio Blogger

Hi. My name is Jennifer. I’m a talk radio blogger. I know you must think I live a super pathetic glamorous lifestyle. But really, it’s not nearly as fancy as you imagine.

I mean…I am amusing, I suppose. I have the finest couturier in Vienna and a glittering circle of friends. And I do give some rather gay parties. But take all that away, and you have this. An evening of…

Reading one of the top thirty (at least!) books of our time.

Adding new podcasts to my iTunes library.

Drinking tea out of a Brady Bunch mug. (Because I don’t have a Mary Tyler Moore one.)

And listening to the triumphant return of Timmy Time!

P.S. One more thing. A hashtag note to myself (Because I need the meta data (I don’t really know what that means. Or if it makes sense.)): #youarenotacharacterinthesoundofmusic