State of the Morning Show Address

There has been some discussion lately about the quality of the Bill Handel show. I very much appreciate Producer Michelle’s response to the negative comments on this site.

Every single day since Lara got fired seven months ago people have found my site by searching for her. That’s really saying something. She wasn’t with the show very long, she certainly was low on the totem pole, and as far as I know, she’s not even in radio anymore. And yet, people are still thinking about her and missing her presence on the show.

A radio show that spans decades is bound to go through ebbs and flows. I’m sure even you would agree, Michelle, that there have been better times than this. It’s obvious to me that the weak links here are Bill, Rich, and Hanna.

Let’s take them one at a time…

Hanna Scott - Really one of the worst additions to KFI in recent memory. A news department that has turned out such major, major studs as Eric Leonard, Laura Ingle and Jodi Becker has no business trying to pass Hanna off on us. That anachronistic (why do I keep using that word?) voice, the fake “I’m crass and sexy and one of the guys” attitude, and the Bill Handel ass kissing is super irritating.

Rich Marotta - Just past his prime. I’m sure he’s amazing with that boxing, but he’s just over. I hate sports but I loooove when Petros fills in.

King Bill - While he has had a long and successful radio career, the past few years have been less than stellar. He’s tired and uninspired so he just talks louder and relies more and more on contrived viewpoints. He’s really no different than Rush Limbaugh in that way. Just increase the volume and hit the talking points. Over and over.

He obviously doesn’t care about the show anymore. He has no interest in anyone but himself, he can’t navigate the show prep, and he takes off minutes early to go to the restroom. The failure of his 12-2 show is further evidence of his lack of motivation.

I’m soooo ready for Gary Hoffmann to succeed him.

Bill Handel is the brand new Henry VIII

If you thought comparing Dr. Laura to Professor Trelawney was crazy, wait until you read this…

Or, everything I know about King Henry VIII I learned from The Tudors.

Just kidding, I only saw the first season of The Tudors and it wasn’t too heavy on facts. However, it did do one thing well – encapsulate the enormous ego of Henry VIII in Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

Henry VIII was famous for his dynamic personality. Even as a child people were drawn to him. He was affable and beautiful and sociable. He made people feel special in his presence. He had a sparkle. Today we would call him Bill Clintony.

Of course we know he also had a dark side. A side (controlled by that major ego) that allowed him to believe himself equal to God and, oh nothing, have a couple of his wives killed – Anne Boleyn and Katherine Howard.

You have to admire Anne Boleyn. Sure, she stole a good woman’s man, but for eleven years she walked the extremely fine line of holding the kings interest – stroking his ego, giving just enough but not too much, keeping him engaged, and bending his will to match her own.

If we can accept the theory that Bill Handel’s ego is as big as Henry VIII’s (obviously), Michelle Kube is way better than Anne. She’s like Anne without the ambition. She knows how to strike the balance between control and subservience.

Lara Hermanson? She’s Katherine Howard. Young, dynamic, attractive but too independent. After awhile she didn’t curtsy when Bill came in the room. She was off having a romp with other dudes, metaphorically speaking. And the result was not pretty.

So, sorry, Hanna. You are a mistress. Intriguing His Grace at first, but one slip of the tongue and you’re out of favor. If you want to return to the king’s good graces, study Michelle, the one for whom no equal archetype exists.

Thus concludes lesson one in my course - Tudor Society and Modern Radio. Stay tuned for lesson two - Queen Elizabeth I vs. Dina Losito: Who would win in a fight?

KFI AM 640 – More Homogeneous Talk Radio

Today’s the big day! Are you excited?

Today is the day KFI tells us, the listeners, what we like. You know, how we love more and more of the same. How we don’t like new shows. Or new hosts. We don’t say, “Why did Lara Hermanson get fired?” or “What happened to the Dr. Laura show?” or “I miss Tim and Neil” or “What really happened between John Kobylt and John Ziegler?”

No way!

Instead we say (come on everybody, chant along)…

We like Bill Handel!

We like John and Ken!

Give us more!

Starting this week, KFI is giving us what we always wanted.

Coast to Coast…51 hours a week.

Bill Handel…35 hours a week.

John and Ken…28 hours a week.

Tim Conway, Jr…2 hours a week. (He’s new and interesting. We aren’t allowed to like him too much yet. KFI says we can only like him two hours a week. Unless someone goes on vacation. Then we’re allowed to like him a little more.)

Wait, I’m confused. Is this their attempt at socialized talk radio programming?

I thought KFI said we didn’t like socialism.

The Oso Loco Strikes Back

Quick Lara Hermanson update…

She’s not going public about why she got fired, but I don’t think it has to do with the Armenians.

There is a another new Lara Hermanson weekly podcast. This is not PodKatz, which she does with her boyfriend, the giant male unemployed nurse. This one is being distributed by Podfather Studios (Randy, is that your official business name?) and is available right now on the Pretty Good Podcast site. (Lara’s new site is under construction but check again soon.)

Once upon a time, there was a lonely boy named Edward…

Interjections show excitement or emotion

Or, Brian David Whitman, look at you, maaan. A major, major stud. The number one voice guy in industrials, maaan.

Let’s set aside the recent unpleasantness for a fun post – Schoolhouse Rock! style.

Hurray! Brian David Whitman has a brand new podcast!

Awww! Look at that Randy Wang, helping out his old pal Whitman!

Eeeek! On the first episode they played clips from Brian’s infamous last show on KLSX!

Rats! Lara’s still fired!

Wow! It’s free!

Hey! There have already been two episodes, plus a smattering of appearances on other podcasts!

Darn, that’s the end.

P.S. Lara Hermanson’s blog

KFI AM 640 – More Egotistical Talk Radio

From the I Heart Talk Radio Why Did Lara Hermanson Get Fired news desk…

This morning around 5:45 a listener called in to the Bill Handel show to wax poetic about Paul T. Wall. (Completely deserving – Paul was awesome.)

Here’s what went down…

Bill: He left. He wasn’t thrown out of here like certain people at KFI. He was not tossed.

Caller: His voice was a better blend with yours.

Bill: I agree. (Todd, you’re out.)

Caller: And his music didn’t take center stage.

Bill: You’re right. He was very subtle; he was VERY good at what he did. (Todd, take a listen to this.) Yes, I couldn’t agree more.

So here’s the question. Was Lara fired because she was stealing the limelight from Bill? Interesting how he deflected the insults toward Todd when it was obvious who the true target was.

LA’s most depressing crew

I need to begin by stating emphatically that my anger at KFI is not any kind of Who Moved My Cheese? attitude.

Trust me, I’ve learned my lesson about getting attached to talk radio hosts and shows and, sadly, even entire stations.

This is a much bigger issue about the current status and future of talk radio.

Let’s take the current issues one at a time.

Lara Hermanson

I don’t know why she was fired. I don’t know if the Armenians finally got her, or if the graphic telling of David Bowie dreams on the Pretty Good Podcast was at fault, or the picture of a giant male nurse on her computer’s desktop did her in. It could be one of those or any other number of reasons. Employees of KFI usually hold the party line pretty well, and Lara will do best not to get on Robin Bertolucci’s bad side (if she’s not there already), so I don’t think we’ll be getting a straight answer here.

Last week Lara recorded a podcast with her boyfriend, Dan Katz. They optimistically titled it “Episode 1,” so that leads me to believe there will be more to come.

Dr. Laura

This is a very sticky situation that I don’t think I can do justice right now. Here are the highlights.

The LA Times quoted Dr. Laura saying her contract with KFI was up and it was her decision to leave KFI for KFWB.

Bill Handel made a statement in the 8:00 hour this morning stating that KFI is upset about the quote, Dr. Laura did not have a contract with KFI, KFI absolutely fired her, KFI has 50,000 watts and KFWB (un-named) only has 5,000 watts, and Dr. Laura had terrible ratings.

Another Bill Handel Show

This show will be a nationally syndicated “high-bread” (Bill’s pronunciation) of Handel on the News and Handel on the Law. Sounds pretty lame to me.

Producer Michelle Kube emailed me that these are lean times and the decision to add another Handel show was a monetary decision. I find it VERY hard to believe Bill agreed to work 10 more hours a week for nothing. I’m sure KFI could have found someone else to work for whatever increase Bill got.

It’s times like these I wish KFI would go back to farming information.

I’m considering changing this blog to KFIsucks.com

What do you think? Is that domain already taken? Let’s see… It’s available! Please don’t steal it – I don’t have time to register it right now.

So, where to begin…

Lara Hermanson – fired. The most entertaining person on the Bill Handel show. Hmph, interesting decision.

Dr. Laura – fired. She’s moving to KFWB. I don’t really care one way or the other about this, but it’s what they’re replacing her with that really irritates me.

Bill Handel gets ANOTHER new show. That’s right. Bill is taking over the 12-2 slot. (I haven’t figured out what will be on from 2-3 yet. If you know, email me.) So let me add this up quickly…that makes…oh, nothing…THIRTY-FIVE hours of Bill Handel on per week. Is this was Los Angeles needs?!?!

UPDATE: John and Ken are expanding their show from 2-7. I just love the variety on this station.

I’ll add more details later. I have to go compete in a pool volleyball tournament.

Let’s make the most of this beautiful day

Or, The Many Adventures of Oso Loco, Cat Chin and Goat Pants.

Remember when Big Bird visited Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood? It was awesome, right?

Maybe you were a psychologically gifted four-year old and realized you were witnessing the odd convergence of two icons, which could only have been surpassed if Mr. Green Jeans met Whitney from Whitney and the Robot. (If you grew up in LA in the 70s you know what I’m talking about.)

Or maybe you were too busy eating granola and drinking Tang to register the significance.

Whatever. The point is it was cool. And a little weird.

Well, the 2009 equivalent happened yesterday. Lara Hermanson was a guest on the Pretty Good Podcast. Cool, right?

Sure, the PGP has had plenty of good guests – Tim Conway, Jr., Teresa Strasser, Brian Whitman, Lisa Donnelly (two n’s, two l’s). But Lara Hermanson? The funniest person ever to be on the Bill Handel Show?

I’m not going to give away any details – you need to experience it for yourself. Just know that I listen to a lot of podcasts (you already know that) and it’s been a long time since I’ve laughed out loud during one.

I did yesterday.

KFI…awesome music.

Watch out for that renegade polio

Pretty exciting week in talk radio.

First, Lara “The Virgin Mary is the Pope’s Baby Momma” Hermanson gave Gina and Randy a flu shout out on the Bill Handel show this week. Isn’t that exciting? No?

Then some thrilling news from the Tim Conway, Jr. camp. (BTW, as it turns out I signed up for his newsletter on three different email addresses. Sorry, Jen, for overinflating your numbers.)

Oh, nothing.

From August 10-11 Timmy Conway, Jr. maaan will be filling in for John and Ken. (For the uninitiated that’s 3-7 pacific KFI am640, more stimulating talk radio.)

And…

Wait for it…

From August 12-14 Conway and Steckler will be filling in for John and Ken!!

I cannot begin to tell you how awesome this is. Even if you’re not a huge J&K fan, or if you get sick of them from time to time (I do), it sucks when they’re on vacation.

Usually the super-sarcastic-in-a-mean-way Bryan Suits fills in, or they stagger their vacations so that most days it’s either John OR Ken, or someone fills in until 6:00 then they play reruns. Whatever. The point is, it’s not the same and it’s usually a waste of time.

Not this time.

I’m super excited! But I’m a loser like that.

P.S. Look for even more super exciting news on Monday regarding a certain trio, one of whom is remodeling his recording studio. And getting new carpet. Doesn’t that sound amazing?