With each glance and every little movement

In case you went out of your way to avoid a lot of information in 1990, that was the year the first season of Twin Peaks aired. But I didn’t look at it. I guess I was too busy watching Empty Nest.

What? I was 16! I liked that Richard Mulligan. Didn’t all 16-year old girls? No?

In the summer of 1990, I learned an important lesson. I traveled to San Jose to visit my aunt, Jami. And every night after my baby cousin went to bed, Jami made me watch Twin Peaks with her.

(Here’s the weak part of this story. I don’t remember if Jami had videotaped it, or if ABC re-ran it in the summer. Don’t sharp shoot me. I’m really not trying to get all Mike Daisey on you. Promise. Besides, it’s for the greater good.)

So, anyway, we would sit there in the dark, watch Twin Peaks, and be scared. But before we went to sleep, Jami made me watch an episode of Mary Tyler Moore, as a buffer between scaredness and sleep. She told me, “Always watch something funny before you go to sleep, so you don’t have nightmares.”

It’s a lesson I still live by today.

Last weekend while my son was at Space Camp Spring Training, I had some free time. So I decided to put it to good use. And by good use, I mean that I watched every single episode of Luther practically back-to-back.

You guys, Luther is scary. I don’t care if Stringer Bell has an English accent. It doesn’t make the show any less frightening.

So I knew I would need a buffer between Luther and sleep. But I wasn’t in the mood for Mary or Rhoda or Mr. Grant or Murray or Georgette or Ted or Phyllis or Sue Ann or Bess. (Did I forget anyone?)

And besides, I hardly ever watch comedies anymore. I think it’s because I hate laughter.

So I listened to the Pretty Good Podcast. (Wait, I don’t mean to imply the PGP is anti-laughter-inducing. It’s just that, well, you know, it doesn’t require a lot of brain energy. Wait, I don’t really mean that either. Um, well, I don’t know. I’ll stop trying to explain it. You guys are smart. You get me.)

Conclusion: Idris Elba is hot and the PGP didn’t give me nightmares. You can take that to the bank.

From a night printing press manager out in Burbank

I often say that the moment of my life in which I felt the most proud of another human being was when Neville killed Nagini in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(Hey, stop it! I am not a loser! Or a nerd! Hmpf.)

Today I feel a similar kind of proudness pride about Mr. Randy Wang.

Not only did LAist write an awesome article about the wild popularity of The Pretty Good Podcast, but Randy has also been honored with the privilege of possessing his very own blog on the KFI website.

This is super awesome. Because now Randy is rubbing pixels with tons of KFI superstars! People like Michelle Kube, Steve Gregory, and Wayne Resnick’s cat!

Congratulations, Randy – you’re a big effing STUD!

P.S. If you want to hear a real low-energy Randy Wang (erstwhile Ryan Wong) and you have a deep, DEEP Conway and Whitman podcast library, listen to the 10/18/06 segment entitled, “The Bloggers and the Homeless.”

P.P.S. I would like someone to please write a short story, or perhaps a one-act play, of the same title. Thank you for your artistry. You are very kind.

P.P.P.S. In that same segment, you will also be treated to the story of Brian Whitman and the Homeless Hotel Rental. Again…one-act play fodder. Go!

P.P.P.P.S. Brian, you are not allowed to listen to it. I don’t want to unnecessarily upset you by forcing you to reminisce about your American Express black card.

P.P.P.P.P.S. Rubbing Pixels is the name of my new band. We do covers of autotuned talk radio segments. Yeah, we’re gonna be SUPER famous!

Velcro. Next to the Walkman and Tab it’s the coolest invention of the 20th century.

Warning: This post is mainly for chicks. If you’re a dude, you might want to take a powder. Which should be fine cuz there are practically no guys who are into talk radio. Talk radio is like…real heavy on ovaries.

And speaking of ovaries…

Gina Grad, you did me a big favor by turning me on to the Period Tracker app. It’s awesome – I don’t know how I menstruated without it. (Sorry men…I warned you.)

So Gina. I’m very excited to repay your kindness by telling you to PLEASE stick it out with The Wire. You are going to be SO happy you did.

Because of this.

P.S. Hey Period Tracker app people. Enhancement request from a guy friend of mine… Please allow the tracking of multiple chicks’ periods. Because you know “in case you’re wrangling a lot of bitches and you need to find good week.” Um…thanks?

If you call and I’m not home, I’ll be at the gym or the gun club.

Hello, Jack? I’m Annette.

Some of you have wondered why I’ve been so generous and complimentary lately. You’re like – What’s going on with you? You seem so happy. Did you get a new kitten? Are you pregnant? Are you in love? And I’m all – No…I don’t think so…and no.

So lest you think I’ve become too soft, here’s a list of people who are doing it wrong.

Heidi and Frank – They open the show with various songs that have two things in common. They’re super long and they’re super annoying. Actually, the entire show is filled with terrible music.

Pretty Good Podcast – Sorry, Randy. I’m totally glad you have a girlfriend. Will you please just call her your girlfriend? Or at least make up a new, normal name for her? Something like Rachel or Emily or Brooke? I mean, I get the Apollonia significance, but c’mon. Unless you’re actually Prince, you can’t call your girl Apollonia.

KFI – Alright, we’ve had our Frosty trial. Enough. He’s not getting better. He’s getting worse.

An old man turned ninety-eight

Good evening. Coming to you live from the Cr-48 Google Chrome OS notebook that showed up on my doorstep this afternoon.

Kid: Do you know what Cr-48 means?
Me: What?
Kid: It’s a Chromium isotope. The people that work at Google are REAL geeks.
Me: Indeed.

Alright…back to radio.

You know how Frosty, Heidi, and Frank could never understand the difference between irony and coincidence? Also, you know how they HATED being required to broadcast the Wing Bowl? And they cited Wing Bowl requirements as a big reason they’re glad to be Internet-radioing?

So last weekend Heidi and Frank hosted the Wing Bowl for KLOS. (Apparently, it’s a radio station that plays music? Yeah, I had never heard of it either.) And they think KLOS is courting them for a possible return to the real radio.

Is that irony or coincidence?

P.S. When do you think Heidi and Frank will merge with the Pretty Good Podcast? It seems imminent.

Begin, Reagan, Palestine*

You know how Gina Grad always enjoys a good cancellation? Like…

Friend: Hey, it’s raining so we’re not doing that garden party after all.
Gina: Perfect!

While I was totally rooting for Gina to be the new news girl on the Adam Carolla Show, I wasn’t too bummed for her when it was revealed she didn’t get the job. There’s probably a decent part of her that’s relieved she’s not committed to driving over to the warehouse every day.

So anyway, Alison Rosen is the new girl. In the words of the great Tim Conway, Jr…

Eh…she’s fine.

*Originally I planned to title this blog post with a line from the Billy Joel song, Uptown Girl…because when Teresa Strasser became the new news girl, they made her sing a parody of that song.

Turns out…those lyrics SUCK. It’s like the song was written by a marginally talented 12-year old.

Then I looked at some other Billy Joel lyrics and…yeah…they all suck. So I went with Begin, Reagan, Palestine. It was either that or – You stand on the corner in your New English clothes.

In the end, a Begin lyric is always cleverer.

C for Effort, F for Execution

You guys, I’m super sorry about yesterday’s post. Talk about dumb…

OK, fresh start. Please know there will be no further references to Jane Austen (or any other author you were forced to read in 10th grade). Though the offer for private tutoring still stands.

Back in the old Mr. KABC days, one of the frequently asked questions was this.

My wife is making me take her out dancing. How can I set a timer to record your show?

As always, he had the answer. I never tried it myself, but Mr. K would walk these desperate dudes through setting up a kind of ghetto TiVo for the radio using a VCR, duct tape, and paperclips.

Me? I just tried to stay home at night. Looking back…that seems like a bad decision. I’m better now. Promise.

And anyway, we don’t need grTiVo (ghetto radio TiVo…pronounced grrrrr-TiVo) now that we have podcasts. You can take your wife out to any lame place she wants to go and catch all your radio shows later.

This is awesome. Most of the time.

Other times you’re listening to a days-old Tim Conway, Jr. show and Aron Bender calls you out for tweeting that you had a dream about Steve Gregory.

Thanks, Bender.

And…yeah. I sometimes dream about radio people. So what? That’s totally normal.

P.S. Please listen to my boyfriend Steve Gregory on the Pretty Good Podcast. Super hot interesting.

Look, I can’t quote Shakespeare every day…

I actually have a ton of work to do… So just a few random updates, unconnected to any scene in Hamlet, LA Story, Gidget, Harry Potter, Mary Tyler Moore, or the Brady Bunch. Also unrelated to any Tudor queen or princess or Elizabethan courtesan.

I’m sorry. You can give me the Dr. Drew disappointed face now.

Pretty Good Podcast

Throw some money at those studs and get that Conway Superfecta, maaan. You have a few extra bucks in your paycheck now that Social Security withholdings have been reduced from 6.2% to 4.2%.

Marc Germain

Don’t try to tell us the mainstream media isn’t covering the Dr. Murray trial. Fine, you want to promote this nutty ‘Betsy Ross’ broad you’re having on your show again, but come on… KFI is totally on it.

KFI NEWS

KFI NEWS

Eric @ Crim Courts – Jackson doc waited 1 hr, 17 min to call for help. Latest live @ 4p news – then 4:05 w/John and Ken.
Eric @ Crim Courts – latest on Michael Jackson’s doctor prelim – live at 12:50 w/Bill Carroll: doc ordered gallons of drug that killed MJ


Teresa Strasser

Congratulations on the movie option!

Stories Pitched by Our Kids

Or…the Coup d’Toe.

Waaaay back in February when it was cold and rainy outside and I was wearing mittens and two hoodies inside (unlike now when it’s warm and sunny and I’m wearing Daisy Dukes, bikini on top), This American Life did a show called – Stories Pitched by Our Parents.

This was the episode that introduced the beautiful and important Erie Canal song to the world. No, not THAT Erie Canal song. A better one. Btw, did you know that the Erie Canal was the eighth wonder of the world when it was built? And that today it is Make-Out City? (I’m so there.)

Anyway…my parents haven’t ever pitched me any blog ideas. Well, one time my dad sent me a facebook message asking me if Ira Fistell was still on the air. But yeah…that’s it. However, my 11-year old has been insisting I write a blog called…

Randy Wang and the Every Other Week Clothes

Him: You HAVE to write about Randy only washing his clothes every other week and Febreezing the rest of the time!!!
Me: He was kidding.
Him: No, he said it!
Me: Seriously. He was kidding.
Him: Well you should still write about it.

So there you go. I wrote about it. :)

Other ideas he has pitched to me…

My Son Is Really Obsessed with Watching Leo Laporte on the Roku

and

Some Kind of Insult About Obama

(Note to self: Maybe a little less John and Ken for that kid.)

We have to write an essay on Stanley Miles.

When my son was seven years old, he spent his Christmas money on a box set of NASA DVDs. He cherished them, insisting they be kept locked in a fireproof safe when not in use. For months he would tell me, “It was so nice of NASA to make these DVDs!!! I’m just SO thankful!!!”

It’s that kind of simple and innocent gratitude we should all have this time of year.

So in addition to being super thankful to NASA for their totally awesome DVDs, I’m also thankful for…

Jen Andrews from TBTL for writing:  If you don’t get why Harry Potter matters, I would remind you that Dobby is a free elf, that “expelliarmus” is the spell used by someone who knows that love is always the answer, and that Percy can always come home.

Trader Joe’s for the sweet potato fries. And the pumpkin butter.

Steve Martin for joining Twitter and for writing another book. Oh, and for tweeting about Leo Laporte. More than once.

Dina Losito and Barry from Omaha for the alternate show during the show.

Randy Wang and Tim Conway, Jr. for the awesomest promos in talk radio.

My MacBook because…obviously.

Adam Shankman for loving dance.

Kelly Dylla and Suzanne Boxdorfer for making the symphony so much fun this summer. #pstweetcert

Wayne Resnick for taking care of us on holidays. And also, just because.

And, of course, everyone who reads I Heart Talk Radio. You guys are all major studs and hot chicks!